Going Ape

I’m sure you’ve heard about the woman in Stamford, CT whose pet orangutan, Travis, went crazy…or to put it in mammalian context….went ape shit. It seems dear Travis had been a good ape all is life…and a TV star in Old Navy and Coke commercials. He even liked drinking wine out of long stemmed glasses and surfing the internet. WOW, Travis could be related to me. He was living La Vida Human.

But the other day Travis lost it and mauled a woman who was visiting. His owner and neighbors were shocked…they never thought a mild manner ape like Travis could do such a thing. Hey, I don’t understand the perplexity here. It was only a matter of time before Travis revolted and kicked the human life style.

“They” tried to come up with rational reasons as to why Travis would attack. Maybe he didn’t recognize the woman visitor’s new hairstyle (sometimes my hairstyles are unrecognizable). Maybe it was his lyme disease giving him mood swings (not the typical swinging he was used to). Or maybe it was a reaction to the xanax he was given. ( xanax??) But let’s remember the ape was an ape…a freaking animal. Let’s be real. I’m not quite sure why people are surprised when a wild animal acts like a wild animal. They are not civilized humans …even though at times they might act more civilized than some humans.

I do feel sorry for the woman who was mauled by the 200 pound ape. I am not making light of how horrifying an experience this was for this woman. But I also feel sorry for the ape. Did he ask to live in a house of humans and live a droll human existence…when he could have been back home swinging around and eat bananas all day?

Think about it this way: You’re a human and one day an orangutan enters your house and throws a leash around your neck and drags you into the rainforest to live with all the other orangutans. They think you are cute and put you in shows at the all the orangutan get-togethers. They teach you how to swing from branch to branch through the forest, build nests in trees, eat tree bark, figs and insects. Then one day…you’ve had enough monkey business…you’ve reached your limit…you’ve eaten your last insect…so you go human whack-job crazy.

You stop thinking orangutan and start thinking human. That last insect you ate two hours ago had a strange effect on you and made you take a closer look at the absurdity of your existence. So you grab the knife you found on the forest floor and cut yourself down from the treetops. If confronted by an orangutan, you are prepared to use it to get the hell out of there.

All you really want is to sit in a recliner with an HDTV in front of you, watch the Bruins on ESPN, and drink a Budweiser. Is that so much to ask?

Let’s realize…Humans just want to be humans…and Apes just want to be apes. And girls just want to have fun. It is nature’s way.