Thursday, February 28, 2008

SAT Enigma

This Saturday Brianna and other high school juniors around the nation will be taking the SAT test. You know the test, the one that everyone says is so important… Your whole high school performance is reduced to a number stamped on your forehead…designed to separate the good, the bad and the ugly. The line for bottle washers at the city morgue starts over here…line for people going places over there.

I remember when Colinboy was leaving the house to take the SAT. The last thing PaulA said to him was, “Do you know what enigma means because enigma was on my test.” Colin was excited when he got home, “Enigma was on the test! I know I got one right.”

It is a good thing I don’t have to take the SAT. I would find it very difficult. The math section would be a joke …especially word problems about trains leaving the train station at the same time and going in different directions. Come on. Those trains must be at least 50 years old by now and should be taken off the tracks. Vocabulary…not my specialty either. Where do they dig up these words…people use the word loquacious? As for writing and proper grammar rules…yikes. Take this blog for instance. I make up my own ways to punctuate sentences. With dot, dot, dot…and spellchecker…I’m golden.

So to Sweet Wishy and all the great kids out there taking the SAT…good luck ‘cause you are going to need it. Don’t let the fact, that if you don’t do well …you might be destined to a life as a suburban hack blogger with bad grammar and math skills… make you nervous. Take a deep breath, relax and think enigma.

To help you with the word “enigma”…I’ve used it in a sentence: It is an enigma why Kat likes to blog on random subjects.

Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Piece of Britney

I actually feel sorry for Britney Spears. Before she ended up on a couch in a pysch ward, I thought she was getting what she deserved with all the bad press. But my feelings have changed. As a mother, I feel badly for her…Now I see her more as a hurt, lost soul.

Months ago, I saw a video online of Britney getting into her car. She was out for a regular day, not all glammed up, just wearing sweat pants…okay, more like Juicy sweats…but not glammed. There were at least 50 photographers surrounding her …some of them were a foot from her face. I felt sick watching how they invaded her privacy with their high-powered cameras and taunting comments. Britney has been in the limelight her entire life. Do we really expect her to be normal with this circus going on around her 24/7? After all, the elephants in the circus aren’t normal.

While Britney sits in a psych ward, her new song “Piece of Me” is No. 10 on the charts. I actually like it… basically describing what it’s like when everyone wants a piece of you.

If Britney Spears walked by me right now, I swear I would not hound her. The closest I ever came to stalking a celebrity was at Whiskey Park in New York City when we saw Nicolas Cage. He was sitting on a couch, surrounded by his goons (aka entourage). After his limo pulled up outside, Nick and his possey got up and left the bar. So what do I do? I immediately run over to the couch where he had been sitting and park my butt in his warm spot. No harm in warming my buns in his warm spot, is there?

My hope for Britney is that she lifts herself up by her high-heeled boot straps and the world gives her some space. It might be okay that you jump to sit in her warm spot ...but please leave her alone…so she stays off the couch.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Mass Advice

Avoid the children’s Mass on Sunday whenever possible…unless of course you have young children. Seeing our children are too old to drag with us…we should have taken our own advice.

Last Sunday we sat a couple of rows behind a woman who attempted a religious experience with 3 young kids. Maybe 2 of them were kids, but the little one was a young Rambo in training. She was totally outnumbered. She could have used a few extra hands…to hold them down. She had a girl about 5, a boy age 3 and a Terrible 2 year old boy(capital T) with a baby plug. The woman could not have heard a word of the Mass…I know this because I couldn’t and I didn’t have young Rambo sitting on my lap.

The 5 and 3 year olds acted “okay” at best, but the 2 year old abused his mother for the entire 62 minutes of Mass. (I was checking the time…like every other Catholic.) Too bad the priest couldn’t have cut it short and cut the woman a break. Young Rambo repeatedly tried to slap his mother’s face…most times he was successful and connected with a one-two punch. He constantly reached to pull out her earrings and managed to yank one off her pierced ear. He tried to bite her face and hands. He bit her sweater pulling threads with his teeth. He threw his pacifier around the pew and cried and screamed. His best move was when he arched his back and kicked her in the chest.

I give the woman credit for bringing her kids to church…but hello…what a distraction for the people around them. The man kneeling directly behind them certainly got an eyeful and almost a fistful. In between the abuse to his mother, young Rambo tried to grab the man’s hands to get a reaction. Of course clueless mom was oblivious to it all. I wanted to lean forward and say, “Lady, your bratty son is the reason the cry room was invented.”

I know my 3 bambinos weren’t perfect little angels in church, but I know I didn’t get the crap beat out of me during mass. I at least had the sense to be armed with cheerios, books, and crayons. While watching this abuse, I thought, “Geez, she has the patience of Job.” She always kept her cool and would smile sweetly at her brood. When she calmly whispered in her child’s ear…I secretly hoped she was saying, “Listen you little brat, just wait until I get your (_!_) home. I am locking you in the closet for the rest of the day and no dinner for you tonight.” (This is not a very nice thought in church.)

The only religious experience this mother was getting…was seeing stars from all the abuse she took from young Rambo. So avoid the children’s Mass if you don’t have young kids and if you do have young kids…leave the pew when they start abusing you and you have become a total freak show. Peace be with you.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Anyone Out There?

Is anyone out there in blogworld reading my blogs? Every now and then, once in a blue moon…I get a comment from Anonymous, but in general, I am not hearing from folks. I started thinking about the saying, “If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?” So I was wondering, “If a blogger writes a blog and no one ever comments on it, does it strike a nerve?” Or “If a blogger writes a blog and talks about totally absurd stuff, does anyone want to comment or even care?” Probably the latter!

Maybe my blogs are too long and too…blah, blah, blah. I have a friend who told me that reading my blog was a lot of work. He may have a point. I know this person moves his lips when he reads…making him tired and thirsty.

So I was thinking… How can I spice up my blog and get a reaction out of readers? Well, I can’t talk about nasty stuff…this is not a porn site. (For those porn readers who were expecting XXX…you might want to keep moving.)

Hmm...Maybe I could throw in a couple of symbols now and then to make it interesting. You remember, like the picture stories in the Weekly Reader magazine. (I’m dating myself here. Wait, that is just an expression…I’m really married.)

So instead of calling someone an ass… I could just show one (_!_) . And if someone is a total smartass (_E=mc2_). Instead of saying, “just kidding”, I could use a wink symbol ;-) and when I wanted to send a shout-out to my peeps...I could use :-0

I welcome all comments and opinions. I won’t even mind if you write and tell me, “Kat you’re an (_!_) and you’re full of it.” I just want to know that you are out there. I hope to hear from all of you...even the (_E=mc2_) and the reading impaired. ;-)

Signing off…….. =^.^=OUT

Friday, February 22, 2008

Kat and Dog Talk

Kat talk: “Rise and shine Duncan. You are such a lazy dog! Come here fella…here’s your breakfast. Did you miss me last week when you were at college? Look what I bought for you… a new jersey to wear. All the other dogs are gonna be so jealous. Come here Dunks, so I can put it on you.

Here’s some nice fresh water in your bowl. I know how you like fresh water. I fluffed up your dog bed so stay off the couch. Have a nice day and I’ll be back to feed you dinner.”

Duncandog talk: “Yo dogs... Duncan here. I’m back with the Kat. I really enjoyed my break from the Gestapo lady. I found out that college is way better than the Kathouse…no rules at the Colinboy house. I hope I can go back real soon.

I got used to going to bed late and sleeping in. This 7 am “rise and shine” crap is killing me. Kat has such a heavy foot…couldn’t she be a little quieter when she walks around the joint. I loved sleeping in until noon everyday. Katwoman has me on some dumb ass schedule…breakfast ….dinner… no couch, no ice cream, boring life, no fun. Just rules, rules, rules. It was also a nice break from the goofy dog threads she makes me wear. If dogs were meant to wear clothes they would have closets. Plus all my buds laugh at me when I walk down the street.

At college, Colinboy respected me. He was quiet in the morning….particularly nice when I was hung over. That reminds me…I learned a few things in college. I learned that I like Corona Light and it is more figure friendly than Guinness Stout. Water bites it….unless it comes from the toilet bowl. Much more flavor out of the bowl. Also, I’m pretty good at poker. Winner takes all…hehe.”

Thursday, February 21, 2008

The Return of Thelma And Louise

Thelma and Louise are back. I would advise a college road trip for any parent who wants to spend some quality time with their son or daughter. You could be Thelma and Louise or Batman and Robin or even Abbott and Costello. But whatever you call yourselves, the best thing is……there is no way your child can escape you…unless they can jump out of a speeding car going 65 mph. Bri and I proved to be quite compatible on the road…that’s probably because Brianna is very easy going and knows how to humor me.

We saw a lot of schools which are now all jumbled in our heads…we saw large schools, small schools, fat schools and skinny schools. We saw catholic schools, party schools, city schools and burb schools. It was a nice cross-section of schools. Just never found a medium-sized city/burb party catholic school on a diet.

One thing I will not miss about the trip is not knowing where the heck I was going. Every highway, every exit, every turn…was all new to me. Do I make a left, should I make a right, where do we stay, where do we eat, where are the lights for the bathroom, how do I set the alarm, where can we get breakfast, where’s my toothbrush…..whoops, left that back in East Boken…on and on. We somehow ended up finding every school and most of the time it was on pure dumb luck. We found places using u-turns, k-turns, and turn-abouts. I have to say that I am officially the Queen of the U-turn…But we did it. Thelma and Louise never looked so good...and we didn’t drive off a cliff…although we drove off a few curbs.

It was a fact finding mission about different types of schools and I think we learned a lot. One fact that I knew before we took the trip…my Sweet Wish is going away to college in a short time…and I am going to really miss her.

Saturday, February 16, 2008

Thelma and Louise Hit The Road

In less than a year and a half, Wishy will be going to college…sitting in a classroom, talking to professors, living in a dorm, partying with other freshman…no don’t tell me that!!! She still has a little while to go before she is off, but the question now is… Where will you be going Wishy? What are you looking for in a school and will that same school be looking for you? Any college will be lucky to get her… I am her mother and I know these things.

So we are ready for our Thelma and Louise trip…(did this with Chels)…where we schedule college tours, map out a route and hit the road for a few days. Two chicks heading down the highway… missing exits, singing at the top our lungs, eating fast food, and staying wherever we find a vacancy. We don’t plan too much ahead…we want to be able to change things as we go. We’re a couple of chicks remember and chicks do that.

We will make PaulA crazy because we won’t do it right. PaulA is a planner from way back…and would make sure there was a nice restaurant at the end of every day. But from experience with Chels…I know we will be too tired and just want to get in the room. Dinner from the vending machine is definitely not PaulA style. Some hotels offer chocolate chips cookies at the front desk …which can be a gourmet meal.

I look so forward to spending time with Bri on our Thelma and Louis trip…two chicks together on the open road. Okay…I’ll be realistic… one chick and one ole mother hen.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Remote Blog

I am in you ask, "Why are you blogging from sunny Florida?....Why aren't you at the beach or at the pool?...Or enjoying a cocktail?" Simple is raining. And PaulA is working.

Yesterday there were thunderstorms and a tornado watch. I think I saw Toto fly by our high-rise hotel (which by the way, isn't the best place to be during a tornado.) Clouds and a severe thunderstorm warning is the forecast for today. Hence, no pool action. But it will be 5 o'clock soon.

Lucky you, I have found a computer in the business center. There are many people here looking very businessy and wondering what the heck I am doing. I have checked my email and I'm not particularly popular today. The staff has me clocked and I can feel them looking at me, so this is going to be real short. I guess I'll head back to the room and check out the weather channel. Isn't that what most people do on vacation?

So if the sun doesn't comes out...that is okay. I won't have to put a bathing suit on my white northeaster winter body. I hear they even take them completely off down here. Trust me, I'll do them all a favor...and keep mine on.

Happy Birthday-Valentine's Day Colin

Colin is 20 today…Valentines Day. He was due Feb. 13th, but held off 5 hours so he would be our Valentine’s baby. So with all the hearts, flowers, and candy of the holiday…came our little baby boy.

Since February 14, 1988…cupid’s arrows and chocolate, come with helium balloons and ice cream cake in honor of Colin. A birthday on Valentine’s Day is a festive day all about love and we have lots of that for Colin.

For every birthday, the kids choose what they want for their birthday dinner. Sometimes they choose a restaurant, or their favorite take-out food to eat at the dining room table, or sometimes ask me to make their favorite meal.

On Colin’s 10th birthday, he asked for meat loaf. So on the most romantic day of the year I was elbow deep in hamburg and catsup, whipping up a candle light meat-loaf dinner for 5. Actually, it was fun and a great memory, but who picks meat loaf for their special dinner?? That would be our Colinboy!

Colin made one more birthday request. He asked us if he could take over our bedroom for the night. He wanted to sleep in our king bed, enjoy the fireplace and watch television. So what do the nicest parents in the whole world do? We give Colin our bedroom and we crash in his room with his Blink-182 posters of tattooed rockers looking over us. I will always remember Colin that birthday night. He was all set…and all smiles. He had the bed pillows propped up behind him with a food tray holding his bowl of ice cream and the TV remote, while he tuned into his favorite shows.

It is hard to believe that Colinboy is not a teenager anymore…so you would think I would stop with the Colinboy stuff. I will try, but for some reason, I don’t think he really minds.

Colinboy…we hope you have a Happy Valentine’s Day, but most importantly…we hope you have a Happy Birthday …Colinman!!!

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Duncandog Goes To College

Yo dogs, this is Duncan. College is the greatest! I am such a lucky dog that my bro, Colin asked the ‘rents to let me stay with him for a week. They probably caved, ‘cause Col’s having a birthday. Colin knows just the right stuff to say. I’ve heard him come up with some real doozies over the years. Those bone heads fall for it every time. Ahhh…a week without having to watch ole Kat shuffle around the house. She’s so damn boring and freaking stingy with the treats…not like my Colinboy here.

I had the best sleep of my life. Didn’t move a muscle until 10:30am…I’m just a regular college joe. Slept on a real bed for a change, not that hard wood floor, or that crappy little mat they call a dog bed. My butt burns when I think about the ‘rents lifting the couch cushions at home every night so I can’t lay down.

And there’s nothing like dinner time here, Colinboy piles it on….whenever he gets some eats for himself, he drops some on the floor for yours truly.…love that chocolate and vanilla ice cream last night. (Maybe a few sprinkles next time, dude.) Those milk bones the ‘rents call treats, do not cut it.

The guys in his apartment are pretty cool. They seem to be enjoying my tricks…the trick where I roll over, gets them every time…it is always good to have a new audience. This one guy called me a sheep. Yo dog, don’t you know a Portuguese Water dog, when you see one! Sheep are much bigger and not as cute.

I like the music these dudes play…they sound pretty good. It is jammin’ that Colinboy plays bass…nice and low sounds so his tunes don’t hurt my ears. I can really groove to his stuff.

I’m looking forward to the rest of the week…maybe some chicks will stop by. I might wow them with my curly good looks…and nice smile. I’m sure glad they got me to the groomer before coming here. I have a feeling I will drive the chicks crazy.

Hey and the kid isn’t too picky about where I take a crap…just as long as it is outside. No problemo dog. It’s always better outside. I’m liking that city dumpster area…some real cool smells coming from over there.

I am so ready for a little fun tonight. Hopefully, they don’t have too much studying…that stuff can get in the way. I hope Col has the guys over for a little poker…If he should know anything about dogs…he should know we are good at poker. He has to have seen the black velvet painting…

I hope the ‘rents don’t come back and get me real soon. College is freaking cool, dog. I could get really used to this life. (Take your time Kat and PaulA…it is okay if you get lost.)

Monday, February 11, 2008

Tastes Like Chicken

Why is it when you taste something new, especially meat …it tastes like chicken? I’ve heard rabbit, alligator and buffalo taste like chicken. I remember once on an early episode of Survivor they tasted rat meat and thought it tasted like chicken. Chicken, the universal taste.

One night we went to a cool pan-Asian restaurant. You know the kind of place….hip, chic, water streaming down the wall, sushi bar. The kind of upscale place you would find in New York, with beautiful people. My only problem with a pan-Asian restaurant is not the beautiful people, they can stay, but their “speciality” is sushi. I prefer my food unspecial and not stare back at me or wiggle when I eat it. I realize that most adults have adventuresome tastes and actually like sushi. They don’t go “ewwwwww” when they see raw fish on a plate (not that I say that out loud – I’m just usually screaming “ewwww” in my head). I guess I wouldn’t make a good food critic.

Keep the chopsticks...give me a fork, knife and spoon and I am good to plow through any meal. I chose the sea bass… they actually cook it. And if you close your eyes, sea bass tastes like chicken. See…. Chicken, the universal taste.

One thing I learned for sure…sushi tastes better than sake. The bartender poured me a sake shorty(made that up…sounds cool). One little taste and my face was in contortions. I swear, I almost went into convulsions. Come on, who really likes this stuff? Terrible tasting…I wished it tasted like chicken, but nooooo it tasted like floor cleaner…not that I have ever sampled floor cleaner.

Another thing I learned for sure: If I have to eat sushi and drink sake, it is going to be hard for me to look beautiful at a pan-Asian restaurant.

Friday, February 8, 2008

Faceless Pundit

What the heck is a pundit? I was watching the results of Super Tuesday and the news people kept talking about pundits…what the pundits thought and what the pundits said. Hellooo, do most people know what a pundit is???

What if this is a word that I should know, as a reasonably intelligent person (that I hope to be.) Hmm…going by the way the word sounds...I would think a pundit was someone who told stories that ended with a pun, “get my pundit?” But then again, within the context that “pundit” was used on Super Tuesday, maybe that wouldn’t make much sense. So, let’s see… “pundit”…I’m guessing…. They are political people that yack their faces off?

I just googled “pundit” and the googler said, “someone who has an opinion, analysis or commentary on a particular subject (usually politics) and is knowledgeable.” Oh, so these faceless pundits are people like Nancy Grace, Tim Russert, Bill O’Reilly, Chris Matthews. Guess I’m right after all…political people that yack their faces off.

I am a pundit of sorts, although I’m not a political expert. I am knowledgeable about what the candidates represent….but I don’t know the data on what percent of black women voters are voting for Barack or what percentage of white voters living west of the Mississippi with scaley skin and dandruff, would vote for John McCain.

Instead, I would consider myself a blogging pundit. That would make me a blog expert. So if I get the call from Yahoo ‘cause they need a blog pundit…I am there. I could really help them too. I could give them expert facts on what percentages of bloggers blog on Fridays before noon, what percentage of bloggers drink red wine, and what percentages of bloggers drink red wine and blog on Fridays before noon.

It is Friday morning…this pundit will remain faceless.

Thursday, February 7, 2008

Lame-O Break Down

I was playing paddle tennis with my partner and suddenly she “pulled up lame.” I think that is a funny expression to something that isn’t funny at all. I’m sure if you talked to Lor…she wasn’t laughing.

So why do we get these injuires…she wasn’t doing anything wild and crazy? Just going for an overhead. This same thing happened to PaulA last winter playing paddle. I know it can’t be because we are old. I would never blame it on age…anything but that. But eventually our parts get old and we break down…

Just like our appliances. We use them everyday…come to depend on them…and then one day…out of the blue…bang. They just stop working. Actually, that just happened to our freezer and our dryer within days of each other. When it rains, it…When one thing goes…it all goes.

The compressor on our freezer just stopped…decided it wasn’t going to keep our many dollars worth of meat frozen anymore. (note to self: blog about the meatman) Everything defrosted… had to throw everything out…the 2 year-old bag of green beans needed to go anyway….then had to stuff the refrigerator with meat. It was meat mania at our house. Anyone who came over, left the house with a pork chop as a parting gift.

As for the dryer…the timer stopped working. I began to realize something was up when my dryer was still drying towels 9 hours later…whoops.

So eventually the appliances got fixed and Lor’s calf injury healed. Which is real good. We were this close to putting Lor out to pasture…

Excuse me while I paddle my behind for such bad humor.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

A New Low

I have reached a new low…I admit it. If the writer’s strike doesn’t end soon, I will sink to the deep dark bowels of TV land. All that is on TV these days are reality shows. One night I had my pick of: “Deal or No Deal”, “American Idol”, “Wife Swap”, “American Ballroom Challenge”, “Moment of Truth”, and the worst thing ever on TV:

Crowned/Mother of all Pageants”…
I had never heard of this show and happened to catch the final episode. Basically, the show is a beauty competition with pairs of mother/daughter teams competing against each other. This show takes the cake…wait, they don’t eat cake. One mom had to sit down on the stage because she felt light-headed and dizzy…she actually asked someone to bring her chicken or a hamburger. The talent competition lacked talent. The mom of one team played the piano off-key, while her daughter sang like an alley cat and forgot the words. The BEST -EST part of the entire show, is when a team is voted off the show by the judges ….they pull out GIANT jewel encrusted scissors and the emcee (Jack loser Wagner) says, “It is now time for one team to be de-sashed.” Then with the lethal scissors (quick, run), they cut the sashes off the losing team saying, “You have been de-sashed, please leave the stage.” Are they serious? I am still laughing.

Then what do I do after watching the Mother of all bad shows….I follow it up with “Moment of Truth.” You’ve seen the promos…they ask personal questions which have been previously confirmed with a polygraph machine. So if contestants tell the truth and announce to the world, “Yes, I have been ‘cozy’ with my boss’s wife…Yes, I have spent our family’s life savings at the blackjack table….” They win money. Who cares that they don’t have a life after they leave the show.

I am not helping matters by tuning in…I need to turn off the TV and get out my book. Or help the networks come up with better Reality TV. Here’s a great idea… a combo of the 2 shows….

“The Mother Moment of Truths”…Where mother/daughter teams compete by answering personal questions…“Do you think I am prettier than my sister?” Teams that tell the truth, move on and teams that don’t…gets desashed AND stabbed in the back with the jewel encrusted scissors.

A newer low.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Super Tuesday

With all this talk of politics I was wondering what it would be like if I ran for President. What would be my platform? What would I stand for? Then I quickly realized my opponents would start looking for skeletons…and that can be scary. I know last week when I saw a skeleton in a really scared me. But here’s something I might consider running for: President of Blogdom. My Campaign Slogan: “Building a Better Blogworld, Blog by Blog”

Dear Bloggers and Blog Readers:
I have brought you together today to tell you why you should elect me as the next President of Blogdom.

First and foremost, I would lower taxation of the brain. This would be done by lowering expectations of ALL bog readers. Bloggers would never have to worry about being criticized by the public. Expectations for good blogs would be so low…that thoughtful blogs would never be expected. Bloggers would be free to publish anything resulting in lower taxation of Blogger brain power.

I would provide free health care for all people of Blogdom. That way anyone who has become excessively sick from reading really bad blogs would receive the personal health care they so deserve.

I would implement a program of financial assistance to Bloggers who have sat at home and wasted their time writing blogs and not contributing to society.

I would increase welfare benefits for the mentally-ill Bloggers who feed Blogworld with half-baked notions and falderal, and for those Blog readers who become mentally insane from reading ridiculous blogs.

I would enact a strong defensive policy to protect Bloggers from being flogged by Blog readers who have just had enough.

I would increase education funding for Blogger children so that they could grow up to become adults with productive lives and not succumb to the daily habits of old hat Bloggers.

Finally, I would institute the death penalty for all blogs that needed to be put out of blog misery to permanently remove them from circulation.

I ask for your vote this Super Tuesday. “Together we can make this a better Blogworld…Blog by Blog”

Monday, February 4, 2008

Hurtin' Loss

Our team lost. Super Bowl 42…the game that ended the Patriots perfect season. One game short. Props to Eli Manning and the Giants team. They out-smarted, out-witted, (out-defensed), and out-played the Patriots…wait, is this Survivor? Heck, I never said the Patriots were going to win the Super Bowl and that the game was a slam dunk. I said I wanted them to win the Super Bowl. See the difference. So I don’t think I should have to eat crow. Besides, I do not have any room for crow…after what I ate last night watching the game.

So when your team loses…the most honorable thing to do is congratulate the other team. ..even when you are hurting. Congratulations to the New York Giants...for a GIANT win.

Sunday, February 3, 2008

Super Bowl

Super bowl Sunday…is finally here. The big day when the New England Patriots and the New York Giants play head to head to determine the ruler of the football world. There has been so much hoopla and media coverage this week in anticipation of the big game. Did Brady hurt his ankle, when did Brady hurt his ankle, will it hurt his passing game, will it hurt their chances of winning the Super Bowl, will the Giants hurt Brady’s ankle, will Brady hurt the Giants, will the Giants defense hurt the Patriots offense, will Eli hurt himself?........

But for me the Super Bowl is much, much more than a hurting football game. It is the Super Bowl of all junk food fests. A valid reason and good excuse to eat all my favorite foods in one sitting. So bring it on….bring on the chili and cornbread, the chips, guacamole and salsa, the French onion dip and chips, the buffalo wings and ranch dressing, the cheese, salami and crackers, the vegetable and dip(okay, maybe just a little), the little pigs in the blanket, the meatballs, the 12-foot grinder and the beer to wash it all down.

Now that is what I am talking about! I will be watching the game even with all this food in front of me…occasionally I have to catch a breath. Go Patriots…hurt the Giants and come up on top…for a perfect season. Bring it ON!!!

Friday, February 1, 2008

Bless Her Heart

“Bless her heart!”...makes every insult a little nicer…like how a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down.

So you are with some friends and they are gossiping…you are just listening, of course. Gossiping is something you would never do, but there is that part of you (muwahaha), that can’t help yourself. Your friends know how to use the “Bless her heart” routine to absolve themselves. I am aware that this is done, because I know a few women who have mastered it….and they are from the south…which makes them better than anyone. (JK ya’all) So you pull yourself closer…things could get juicy. This is how the masters do it:

They say: Did you see Jenny’s outfit today? It totally doesn’t match, bless her heart. She thinks those striped pants look good on her butt … and that blouse, bless her heart. Poor thing. She’s as ugly as a donkey, bless her heart, and boring as a fence post, bless her heart. Plus with all that weight gain since the baby. She tries so hard, bless her heart... Are you catching on?

Then there is the direct approach, where they bless someone right to their face…. “I see you got your hair cut. You must have been upset with the horrible job they did, bless your heart. I’m sure you’ve tried everything to fix it, bless your heart.”... Have you caught on yet?

With all the blessing going on…you could skip church on Sunday. You’ve been blessed so many times… you are going straight to heaven…(even with all that nasty stuff you’ve been doing lately, BLESS YOUR HEART.)... I’ve caught on….