Mass Advice

Avoid the children’s Mass on Sunday whenever possible…unless of course you have young children. Seeing our children are too old to drag with us…we should have taken our own advice.

Last Sunday we sat a couple of rows behind a woman who attempted a religious experience with 3 young kids. Maybe 2 of them were kids, but the little one was a young Rambo in training. She was totally outnumbered. She could have used a few extra hands…to hold them down. She had a girl about 5, a boy age 3 and a Terrible 2 year old boy(capital T) with a baby plug. The woman could not have heard a word of the Mass…I know this because I couldn’t and I didn’t have young Rambo sitting on my lap.

The 5 and 3 year olds acted “okay” at best, but the 2 year old abused his mother for the entire 62 minutes of Mass. (I was checking the time…like every other Catholic.) Too bad the priest couldn’t have cut it short and cut the woman a break. Young Rambo repeatedly tried to slap his mother’s face…most times he was successful and connected with a one-two punch. He constantly reached to pull out her earrings and managed to yank one off her pierced ear. He tried to bite her face and hands. He bit her sweater pulling threads with his teeth. He threw his pacifier around the pew and cried and screamed. His best move was when he arched his back and kicked her in the chest.

I give the woman credit for bringing her kids to church…but hello…what a distraction for the people around them. The man kneeling directly behind them certainly got an eyeful and almost a fistful. In between the abuse to his mother, young Rambo tried to grab the man’s hands to get a reaction. Of course clueless mom was oblivious to it all. I wanted to lean forward and say, “Lady, your bratty son is the reason the cry room was invented.”

I know my 3 bambinos weren’t perfect little angels in church, but I know I didn’t get the crap beat out of me during mass. I at least had the sense to be armed with cheerios, books, and crayons. While watching this abuse, I thought, “Geez, she has the patience of Job.” She always kept her cool and would smile sweetly at her brood. When she calmly whispered in her child’s ear…I secretly hoped she was saying, “Listen you little brat, just wait until I get your (_!_) home. I am locking you in the closet for the rest of the day and no dinner for you tonight.” (This is not a very nice thought in church.)

The only religious experience this mother was getting…was seeing stars from all the abuse she took from young Rambo. So avoid the children’s Mass if you don’t have young kids and if you do have young kids…leave the pew when they start abusing you and you have become a total freak show. Peace be with you.