Monday, December 8, 2008

Four My Eyes

I know I need glasses. You see…everyone I know…knows…I need glasses. And do I have glasses? You bet I do……14 pair of them. Just none that I would wear around town.

Okay, maybe I am little vain and in denial about being old and needing them. Although I know not just old people need glasses. But only old people need 4 different pairs to see 4 different distances. Long range vision, so I don’t run a stop light. Mid range vision, so people don’t think I’m snubbing them at the Stop and Shop. Arms length vision, so I don’t throw the car in “D” when I’m backing out of my garage. And close-up vision, so I don’t poke myself with the needle when I’m darning PaulA’s socks….

You should see the different pairs of glasses I have around this house. And I could see them too….if I was wearing glasses to find my glasses. Most times I live in a blur. Besides everyone and everything looks a little better when air-brushed…including myself when I look in the mirror.

I am constantly putting down glasses for a stronger or weaker pair so I have them scattered around the house. It was a little embarrassing when our friend Dug went around the house and collected my glasses into a pile. He had collected enough to outfit …an army of Woody Allens.

When my glasses aren’t in a pile…I’m walking around with them like a human display for the Vision Center. I’ll have two pair hanging from the collar of my shirt…one pair on the top of my head…one pair dangling from my mouth…and one pair over my eyes…wear they belong.

Unfortunately not all of my glasses are in the best of shape. Some have the ends chewed off…and others are mangled from my stepping on them…or the dog stepping on them…or the car rolling over them. Consequently they look crooked when I wear them…or my ears are uneven and need to be readjusted.

Someday I will have to get some good looking glasses. Maybe some Sarah Palin’s which as you can see…work for her. Not like my crooked ones that make me look half in the bag. A half in the bag Woody Allen is not so appealing.

It’s a good thing you can’t see me right now. I couldn’t find my glasses that are computer screen reading distance….so I doubled up on two pair of lower strength. Yep. I am wearing one pair over the other and it totally works like a charm. One thing is for sure…you can’t call me four eyes. I am way passed that.

PaulA is worried about me wearing two pairs of glasses at the same time…especially in the sun. He’s worried that with the extra magnification…I might catch myself on fire. Now that’s what I call a vision.

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