Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Tiger Mulligan

The rumor mill is churning over Tiger Woods. Why do people need to know the details about Tiger’s incident with a fire hydrant, tree, SUV, and golf club? Isn’t it a personal matter…a match play, two-some…between Tiger and his wife?

Okay, it probably isn’t our business. Tiger’s business occurred on private property and the cops confirmed alcohol was not a factor. But we, Joe Public, want to make it our business. Probably because this incident humanizes TIGER…THE GOLFINATOR.

Let’s face it…His persona is robotic…one made of a tough armor exterior…with laser vision…focused solely on a golf ball. So it only makes sense that we want to know about Tiger, the human. Does Tiger have a chink in his armor? Inquiry minds want to know.

Let’s double face it…leaving the house at 2:30 in the morning after Thanksgiving isn’t par for the course. It’s more like 5 over par. Maybe Tiger was headed to the gym to work off his turkey dinner…when his seemingly perfect hand-eye coordination failed him and he crashed into a tree. And his wife, Elin, ran to his rescue, freeing him from his SUV…with a golf club.…

Or then again, maybe his wife heard about the other woman…and got tee’d off...so Tiger took off and she ran after him with a golf club …aiming for the Tiger Pin…with a full swing and an accurate approach shot ...that would leave the windows of his Cadillac broken. In matters of the heart…etiquette of any kind…gets tossed out the SUV window.

But regardless of the scenario…the big questions really are: Was her club of choice…a driver, a wood, a hybrid, or a 4-iron? How many strokes did it take her to break the windows? Was it an inside-out swing pattern that made contact?

Tiger should know that there is a hazard to having golf clubs around the house. It only makes sense that when Elin needed an object …it would be a club. So it also follows course, that if Kate Hudson was to go after A-Rod…she’d pick up a bat. For Emeril’s wife, it would be a frying pan. And I would have to chase PaulA around with an insurance policy and clobber him with a few Policy Exclusions.

I think in a couple of days this will all blow over. Tiger will play it safe and lay low in a bunker somewhere, while his publicist lays down some back spin. One thing for sure…Tiger will be begging his wife for a mulligan.

It appears Elin is one fierce competitor, so Tiger better play it safe on the back nine. Elin might not be able to play the game as well as Tiger…but it appears she knows how to even the net score.

Handicaps are the great equalizer in the game of golf…and the game of love.

Disclaimer: This blog is based on no real facts and is written on ground under repair. I took a few unjustified chip shots at Tiger and his wife and have presented it from a closed stance. I apologize for any bad lies and chunks resulting in large divots in the truth.

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