Monday, November 30, 2009

No Swining

Has the Swine Flu changed your behavior? Are you doing anything differently than you would normally do, because you’re afraid of contracting the Porky Pig flu? A Kat Public Health Announcement: “No Swining…get out there and lead your life.”

Here’s a couple of tips to navigate your way through the World of Germs…free of charge, of course.

Forget shaking hands. You don’t want to expose an open hand with the possibility of getting piggy germs and transferring them from your hands to your face. Instead, give them the ole Howie Mandell knuckle bump. Not bloody knuckles or anything…that’s even germier.

Follow a “no kissing policy” when saying hello and goodbye. Kissing, done properly, can be an opportunity for a major germ swap.

Follow my example. I like to keep a little distance when I walk among other humans. If I’m somewhere like Target…and someone behind me sneezes…I react quickly…like a deer with a target on his back….and I high-tail it out of there.

If I hear someone cough….I stay away from that area. I bring barricade tape with me and section the area off. “Do Not Enter.” So when I’m at the Stop and Shop, I don’t always get everything on my list. Duncandog only wants people food anyway. If other people want to cross the line and risk their life for a bag of dog food…then let them be the brave, unselfish dog owners.

I’m washing my hands a lot longer now. “They” say in order to be effective you should wash them for 20 seconds, which is how long it takes to sing “Happy Birthday” or “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” Those songs do nothing for me. They just remind me of how old I am. Find your own song. I’m making mine “Funkytown.”

Mass on Sunday can be very awkward when you hear someone coughing or sniffling behind you…and you know the Sign of Peace is up next. In the pre-Swine days…I would throw caution to the gods and shake hands with the infected individual. I figured, heck I’m in church…spread the word…spread the germs. But to avoid today’s sickly swine people, I take longer shaking the hands of healthy people around me…so there’s no time left for the swines. Let us Pray.

I also bought a hand sanitizer which I keep in my purse…I just forget to use it. I would suggest you buy one…but use it.

These are all suggestions to protect yourself from a swine invasion. If you don’t care to follow my example and incorporate these steps into your daily life…then go full swine ahead. It’s a pig-eat-pig world out there.

“Won’t you take me to, Funkytown?”

“That’s All Folks.”

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