Monday, July 12, 2010

Dental Captive

There is one career that I would never be aching to do…one that I just wouldn’t want to sink my teeth into. That would be the job of a dental hygienist.

Let’s be real….not every patient has the beautiful mouth of Julia Roberts. Cleaning Julia’s mouth would be a dream job because it would be easy. She has a nice wide mouth…with lots of room for a hygienist. A hygienist can really get right in there…right down to the elbows.

The thought of dealing with the general public’s mouths puts my teeth on edge…especially if the person didn’t have time to brush before the visit. Because a hygienist's job involves invading someone’s personal space…they become privy to knowing who had the burrito…and who had the garlic chicken for lunch.


Not all patients are easy…especially if they’re like me. During my last teeth cleaning the hygienist asked if there was something wrong because I was wincing and making faces. I wasn’t hurting, but the constant sound of metal scraping my teeth, after a solid 20 long in the teeth.

I’m also a squirmer by nature, so I don’t sit still in the recliner. I wring my hands and constantly move my feet. I’m like the Lady GaGa of the dental chair.

Plus I’ve learned that spitting is an art. The hygienist always wants you to rinse and spit, but when I do…I end up running the drool down my face and having to mop up. I guess baseball players are better suited to the spit procedure.

Double Anywho……..

I think I may have brushed my hygienist the wrong way…one too many times. It seems as though she has had it up to her crowns with my Lady GaGa song and dance routine and feels compelled to toughen me up.

I know this by the way she grabs my mouth and yanks it wide open. She’s been giving me the work over while I'm held captive in her chair. I think she is trying to teach me: “Life isn’t all fun and games.” “You’ll be a better person for it.” “The pain I’m feeling actually hurts her more than it hurts me.” Who is this woman anyway? Since when did my mother become a dental hygienist?

Luckily, I managed to escape her clutches by the skin of my teeth. She should be careful though...I'm ready to fight her tooth and nail.

Hey, no skin off my teeth.

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