Word to the First Dog

“Yo Bo! I say: “represent”...from a fellow Portuguese Water dog…Yours truly, Dunncandog. It’s important that you give us Portuguese Water dogs a good name while you are in the nation’s limelight.

First, I’m glad the Obama’s re-thought your name. I heard they were thinking of the name Frank…which is definitely not dog-worthy. Bo is a pretty good name…almost as dog-worthy as Henry or Martin.

Here’s some good advice, from one Portie to another, as you prepare to take your official role as First Dog: Make sure you get the upper hand and train your family early. Take it from a pro…someone who has the Fam tied around his paws.

Always look cute…that way you’ll get away with murder…or even better...an incidental crap on the floor. Or maybe even a spew on the Oval Office rug. They might raise their voice…but after you give them your best I’m-so-sorry tail between the legs, and puppy dog eyes impression…they’ll calm down. Cuteness rules.

Always give a short bark when you want something. Not a yappy string of barks. Just ONE LOUD bark that makes them jump and disturbs their train of thought. One that startles them so much they spill their coffee…or mistakenly push the infamous red button. Just make sure that bark gets them off their asses.

Speaking of asses, you will notice…all they do is sit around all day and stuff their faces with food. You’ll actually be surprised how much food a human consumes. And they never share…just an occasional crumb drop. Like I’m supposed to get excited over a CHEEZ-IT crumb on the floor. “Hey Kat, next time drop a pork chop and then we’ll talk.”

Oh, make sure to train them so that…when you come towards them with your butt first…you are due for a good scratch…right on the ole buttinski…Portuguese style.

Occasionally you gotta let them think they’re boss…so play along. When they say “Come here, boy”…listen to them…that way they think you’re obedient. Wait until you are really interested in something you care about (like sniffing Hillary Clinton) then blow them off. Save it for when it really matters. I let Kat think she is the Alpha dog in this household, cuz it makes her think she is big and powerful…but I yank her leash every chance I get.

Oh, make sure to wag your tail a lot…even when you don’t feel like it. You don’t want them to put you on puppy Prozac.”