Royal Theme

In keeping with the royal theme…I’m out of the blog office today.


I’m OFF doing all things royal….
So I’m either out for tea…a little bubbly…or the loo.


Anywhooooooooooo…………………


I hope to be back to being my usual royal pain in the ass next week.

Have a royally good weekend.

Cheerio for now.

Fairy Tale Wedding

OMG…Paris Hilton and I are on the same page. Well, not the pages of Us Weekly…but we are on the same page when it comes to THE ROYAL wedding.

We are both royally excited. NOT. Big whoop. Maybe the countdown to the royal wedding that started 60 days ago…has me jaded. Somebody shoot me.

I’ve begun to question myself. Shouldn’t I be getting excited about all the pomp and circumstance of the royal wedding…Kate’s gown, the carriages, the pageantry? After all, it is history in the making.

Maybe I need an attitude adjustment. Somebody slap me.

Maybe it’s because I already went goo-goo gaga….(before Lady Gaga) in 1981 over the royal wedding of Diana and Charles. We see how that ended. Fairy tale gone nightmare.

Plus my genetic make up is…one part sarcastic, one part cynical, one part crotchety, one part loon. Somebody hand me a drink.

Anywhooooo…………

There was also another great couple that married the same year as Prince Charles and Princess Diana…thirty years ago. The wedding of Luke and Laura…ahhh…watched my millions. Oh, and lest we not forget…the wedding of Kat and PaulA.

Our wedding wasn’t televised or videotaped. (We were married during the dark ages, before technology was invented.) Our pomp and our circumstance was small in comparison…but the end result was a true royal fairy tale.

Should Kate and William be lucky enough…they too will be married for thirty years, have amazing children…and…maybe...just maybe...Kate will make something of herself and blossom into a Blogger Extraordinaire. She couldn’t ask for more.

My wish for the royal couple’s life together…one that follows commoners PaulA and Kat.................

“And they lived happily ever after.”

No License Required

Did you hear about the minors in the news last week who were served alcohol?

Underage kids posing as legal age is nothing new. It’s an age old scam kids have been attempting to pull off through the ages. They’re working what I call the “Farkus Factor.” (Named after someone I know who used a license with the name of “Farkus.”)

Sometimes the license is perfect with an actual resemblance….but then sometimes…there is something else that gives it all away………….

Like when…imposter Farkus used his I.D. to gain entry into a Boston tavern. The bouncer examined the license and asked, “ You’re from New York?” Yea. Man. “Then why are you wearing a Red Sox cap?” Ummmmm

Anywhoooooo……..

The minors in the recent news never tried to pull a Farcus and flash a fake I.D. They didn’t have to…they were served direct to their high chairs. These kids weren’t even three years old.

Apparently there are places where minors don’t need to go through the trouble of photo shopping a fake I.D. They just need to go to Olive Garden or Applebees and ask for the “sippy cup.” There are some strong drinks being sipped through those straws.

At an Applebees in Michigan a child was given a margarita instead of an apple juice and at the Olive Garden in Lakeland, FL another child was given a tropical sangria instead of an orange juice. Woo hoo. Yippe ki yay.

I used to think it was the sugar responsible for kid's boisterous...crazy...lamp shade wearing behavior…but apparently it’s the “juice.”

Bartender, I’ll have what they’re having.

Earth Day Dirt

Last Friday, April 22, was Earth Day…so this past weekend many people took to the streets, parks, and beaches to do some spring cleaning. It’s all about taking care of Mother Earth.

For me, Earth Day has a different significance. An Earth Day can NOT go by without me remembering a particular Earth Day…many earth’s rotations ago. The day I wanted to bury an elementary school principal…six feet into the Motha Earth.

But instead of risking jail time away…I just stomped and tromped all over Mr. Principal with the tread of my earth shoes.

I’m sure you’re wondering what earthly reason I could have to go after a school principal...especially one who was very popular with parents and kids.

To break it down and sum it all up…Chelsea was in the fifth grade and had attended an Earth Day Fair during school. When she got off the bus, she excitedly told me that during the fair, a man in one of the booths stuck her with needles. A man? Needles?

I immediately called Mr. Principal. Apparently the man was an acupuncturist and used Chelsea to demonstrate his art of stick ‘em. When a teacher saw what was going on…she shut him down. But that was after Chels had become his pin cushion.

The principal did his best to assure me that Chelsea would be fine and wouldn’t come down with the dreaded pin cushion disease that I was worried about. But it was hard to calm me down.

He knew I was upset: “Where on earth is it okay to stick your child in school without permission? Who on earth would do this? What on earth is going on?”

And my final promise/threat: “If ANYTHING happens to Chelsea…If she comes down with so much as a sniffle…You will be living a HELL on earth.”

Anywhoooooooooooooo………………….

It is instinctive for mothers to move heaven and earth to protect their young…no matter what species they belong to. And this Kat…would do anything to protect her kittens. Anything.

I’ve occasionally run into Mr. Principal around town…(not run over)…and we are very cordial, but I do give him the stink eye…just so he remembers that I have dirt on him.

And Mr. Principal never fails to forget my name. I’m sure he has told his wife…should he ever go missing…check the area for...earth shoe prints.

Happy Easter

As I walked through the Taj MaMall this week, my heart did the panga. It might sound like I was doing a little salsa or zumba, but actually it was my heart panging at the sight of all the sweet Easter outfits for children.

Ahhh…Easter at the Taj MaMall. Sights of sweet dresses with bows and sashes, Easter bonnets, little purses, and white patent leather shoes. Little plaid outfits for boys with Peter Pan collars. Those were the days my friends….Big C, Colinboy, and Wishy dressed in their Easter finest.

Kids love searching for their hidden Easter baskets as much as discovering what’s in them. A little note from the Easter Bunny with a rhyming rap...always helped our kids find their baskets. “Yo yo, E.B. here...get your rear in gear…look for your basket where ya daddy stashes beer.” (Okay, not exactly that rhyme…something a little sweeter.)

I’ll never forget a particular Easter, many Easter moons ago when I was just a kitten and not a Kat...the Easter Bunny brought me the best basket ever. Nestled in the green grass...I found an adorable yellow chick, a pack of candy cigarettes, and a pen that resembled a cigar. I believe I was the recipient of the Junior Smoker’s Easter Basket. I loved it. I could smoke my candy cigarettes while I did homework with my cigar pen.

Anywhoooooooooooooooo………………….

As I walked through theTaj MaMall…I came upon the Easter Bunny holding center court...and a little boy sitting next to him with a look of panic on his face.

I understand why kids would be creeped out by the Easter Bunny. The hollow head of the mute Easter Bunny with his fixed eyes and occasional head nod…doesn’t compare to the jolly rosy-cheeked Santa Claus. I think I remember torturing my kids once (or twice) with a visit to the 6-foot stoic hare. They learned to smile quickly for the camera…so they could get the heck out of there.

This Easter…I’m remembering Easter mornings long ago when after church the house was filled with joy and...candy wrappers, green plastic grass, patent leather shoes, bonnets, and a clip-on tie…strewn across the floor.

Those were the days, my friends. We’d thought they’d never end.

Happy Easter!

Donald Trump for President?

Sound the TRUMPets…Donald Trump for President.

What are the chances Donald Trump will run for President of the United States? Is this a show…a reality…or another reality show?

Let’s face it…The Donald is the King of Self-Promotion. You would be hard pressed to find another C-E-O with a larger E-G-O. I think he became a real-estate tycoon just to stamp his name on everything. Trump Towers, Trump Plaza, Trump Taj Mahal, Trump National Golf Course, on and on. If it can be bought and branded…his name is on it. He probably has a “Trump” tattoo.

Trump has stated that he will announce his Presidential bid during the finale of his Celebrity Apprentice Show. So is this a stunt to get more viewers? Hey, I’m already a faithful viewer. I’m eerily fascinated with his comb-over.

If this turns out to be just another ploy for attention…why would anyone listen to the Donald anymore? You can only cry wolf a few times...before the public hopes the wolf eats you and spits you out. (yum....tasty Trump meat.)

The Trumpster does have a few things going for him……
As the head of state, in the highest ranking office, he would have even more Trump cards to play. He's a natural leader when he carries all the Trump cards...and it would be very hard for other world leaders to out Trump him. He also would have no problem looking someone straight in the eye, pointing at them, and telling them “YOU’RE FIRED.” (His phrase is also branded.) Most importantly, his wife would be the First Hot Lady.

Anywhooooooooooooo………

I’m a Republican (thank you very much)…but I’m not sure if I could vote for Donald. I agree with some of his statements…but…I might have to part ways…with his hairstyle.


Should The Donald decide to run for office…I offer a possible slogan (free of charge)…….. “Comb On Over to the Trump side.”

A Warm Spot for Nic Cage

Are you sick of hearing about another celeb flipping out? Every other day there is some celebrity, with some woman, doing some drinking, and a little something something.

This time it is Nicholas Cage.

Cage was arrested in New Orleans after drunkenly yelling at his wife over where their rental house was located. Don't you hate it when you forget where you live? Anyway, the cops were called and Nic being Nic...dared them to arrest him. (Note to self: Don't ever dare a cop.)

So Big Deal...just another celeb gone belligerent. But for me, this celeb is different because................
Nic and I are on a first name basis...
Well...not really.
Because we were once together...
in the same bar...and we shared the same couch.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Here's my Nic Cage Story.

PaulA and I and some friends were in NYC and decided to stop by the Whiskey Park for a night cap. After all...we are cool people, walking around...doing cool things.

And who do we see in the bar??? Nic Cage. And he didn't look happy. He actually looked pissed off. Of course he was surrounded by his peeps...but they weren't talking to him. They knew to stay clear or get their heads bit off.

If Nic was auditioning for a part that called for: brooding, sullen, and tormented...he would have had the part. NO Question. He wouldn't even have to read any lines...just give his Nic look.

During this Whiskey Bar scene, he was very quiet as he sat on a couch and stared at the floor. No one dared to bother him or autograph hound him. Heck, I wasn't about to go over and ask for an autograph. I knew better and apparently everyone there did too.

After 30 minutes of his Oscar winning performance...a limo pulled up and he left the scene...with this entourage in tow.

That's when I made my move. I ran over to the couch and sat down in his spot. And it was still warm. OOOoooooooo Feel the heat.

Anywhooooooooooo..................

Speaking as someone who really knows Nic, take my advice:

If Nic is in character with his brooding look...Stay Away. Do NOT talk to him...or bother him for an autograph. If he can't find his way home...help him out...before he loses his cool.

And if he gets up from a couch...sit right down. He leaves a nice warm spot.