I love you, Daisy

Sadly to say, my grandmother, Daisy, died last night…she would have been 95 on March 23rd. I know she lived a full and long life….and that you can’t live forever, but because Grandma lived for so long, I just expected her to keep living. Day-to-day, month-to-month, year-to-year.

I expected that every January I would go to Florida and she would be doing fine…sitting next to Ellie in their favorite chairs…watching tennis, the NBA, NFL, Dancing with the Stars…and their nightly regulars…Jeopardy and The Vanna White Show.

I expected to hear Willard Scott say “Happy Birthday” to her someday.

Sadly to say, she didn’t live up to my expectations of living another year….but as a grandmom…she lived up to every expectation. I have always been very proud of my Grandmother. She was an amazing woman with a sharp and keen mind…and a love for learning. She was someone I looked up to. We kept in touch through letters and my visits to Florida. She was always so sweet, kind, loving, and caring to me…I’m going to miss her.

Daisy was the matriarch of five generations…. 5 children, 17 grandchildren, 25 great grandchildren, 8 great great grandchildren. I wonder what it feels like to be the head of the family…at the top of the family tree from which many branches grew. I wished I had asked her.

After my visit with her this past January, I said goodbye to Grandma. I planted a big kiss directly on her lips…I can feel now.

Whenever I pull petals from a daisy...the last petal will forever be "I love you."

I love you, Daisy.

The Button

It’s not often I go to a public beach. I prefer our quiet, pristine, PRIVATE beach….but every now and then…I can really appreciate time on the beach with the asses. Like I said, the masses.

And the public beach in Fort Lauderdale, is not your normal ass beach… although I have found that it has changed since I last visited it during my college spring break, freshman year…back when Fort Lauderdale was Wild Ass Central.

What an eye opener it was for me…back then…circa 1865. Little Vermont girl goes to the Beach. I drove down from the University of Vermont with a bunch of girls…30 hours later we were enjoying the sun, surf, and turf. What stood out for me was the miles of bodies…packed like sardines on the beach, and packed like sardines in The Button.

The Button…a college bar on the Fort Lauderdale strip…when the drinking age was only 18…and the thinking age was even less.

While I was in Fort Lauderdale, I looked to see if The Button still existed. No Button. It appeared The Button had been sewn shut, and the area cleaned up with many nice hotels.

So I got to thinking about The Button and how it got its name. Maybe it had something to do with thousands of exposed belly buttons…but I think The Boob would have been a more fitting name…especially with the nightly wet T-shirt contests. I remember my reaction when I saw what was going on. Yikes! The last time I had seen that many exposed teats was on the dairy farm.

A little further down Interstate 95 from Fort Lauderdale is South Beach….another popular public beach. Definitely no buttons…or buttoning going on in South Beach…just miles and miles of boobs and biceps.

YouTube Bube

You might not realize this…but if you post a video on YouTube…it could come back to bite you in the butt…or even land your butt in jail...singing the "Folsom Prison Blues." Especially if it has you captured in illegal activity.

Gee…and to think a site seen by a million people a day can have that effect.

YouTube is better than a fallible human witness, trying to recall what they actually saw……..

Witness #1: “Yes, your honor. I got a good look at the bank robber. He was a slim man, wore a goatee, and had a tattoo of a frog on his neck.”

Vs.

Witness #2: “Yes, your honor. I got a good look at the bank robber. He was 400 lbs, wore a fu manchu, and had a tattoo of a dragon on his face.”

Today people carry their cell phones with them wherever they go. Shit…even to the bathroom…recording even the most mundane movements (sorry for the potty humor.) Sometimes, however, these devices prove to be useful when recording more monumental events. Recently, YouTube was used by the cops to point out people involved in drag races, fights, and the riot after the NBA Final last June.

A video recording is also better than a witness whose credibility is shoddy…like an ex-con with an axe to grind. Or someone holding a grudge…wanting to get back at you for that rake you never returned.

So what’s the point of this BS story, Katwoman???

Simple. If you’re looking to star in your own video…looking to be a headliner..and you’re doing things that could get you into a heap of trouble…wear a different head. I would suggest an Elvis…people are always spotting Elvis in different places and it can help add to the confusion. Recently, Elvis was spotted at a mall in Peoria and a bar in Key West…on the same day. You could Shake, Rattle, And Roll yourself out of trouble.

Be careful with what you post on YouTube…try to be Johnny B. Goode...so you too, don’t become a Youtube Bube...doing the Jailhouse Rock.

ps....Don't Be Cruel...I know I'm a Hound Dog/kat.

Bed Head

Unfortunately, it is VERY hard to escape BED HEAD. You know, waking up with your hair tousled and disheveled…very unruly…Gene Wilder like.

Bed head is an unavoidable repercussion from time spent sleeping in bed. It can also result from a hammock…but that would be called hammock head. Anyway, there is an easy solution.

With a quick shower, you can rid yourself of the dreaded bed head and get back to normal. Plus there are even bed head/hammock head products on the market…to make your hair ruly ...(the opposite of unruly.)

Another casualty of sleep, is the dreaded sheet face. That’s when you’ve slept face down, and you wake up with the wrinkled impression of your sheets on your face.

I prefer to use solid sheets and not printed sheets….so I don’t wake up with little daisies all over my face…aka daisy sheet face. Unlike bed head, it takes a lot longer for sheet face to fade away. A quick shower doesn’t really help.

But solid sheet face and daisy sheet face…should not to be confused with the sheet face from a night of drinking…aka drinking sheet face. If you had a really big night…this type of sheet face could take up to 24 hours to wear off.

(Sorry this blog is so lame. I wasn’t even sheet face…when I wrote it.)

Tiger's Mea Culpa

Did you tune in to see Tiger make his apology to the world last Friday? It must have been hard for him…especially with his mother’s scolding eyes in the front row, almost screaming, “time-out for you when you get home, young man.”

It’s one thing to have to apologize to someone…in the privacy of their 4 walls. Like Tiger did with Elin: “Sorry honey, I was such an ass. Next time I promise to get better ass.” Wait, I mean…be a better ass. Sorry again, Elin.”

But for Tiger to have to apologize to millions…on national TV? That’s got to be tough. I can’t imagine that….and PaulA can’t imagine it either. He says I never apologize, but I don’t know why I would be apologizing, when there is nothing I ever need to apologize for. PaulA is so silly.

And what’s the deal with that line: Love means never having to say you’re sorry? Woah…wait a minute. So when PaulA leaves the toilet seat up and I fall straight in, you mean to tell me, just because we are all lovey dovey, that PaulA doesn’t need to say “I’m sorry for your splash landing, honey?” I think John Lennon said it right, “Love means having to say you’re sorry every fifteen minutes.”

So did you believe Tiger’s mea culpa? Did you believe he meant what he said, or did it seem like his PR people told him, “Tiger, when you get to this part... stare directly into the camera lens and remember how you felt when you were seven and your puppy doggie was run over in front of your house…because you threw his ball into the road.”

I don’t know about you…but I believed every word in Tiger’s apology…and that he’ll work towards becoming a better person…especially because he has returned to Buddhism. I believe Tiger is a changed man, now that he has found the big man with the round belly. You never, ever want the wrath of Buddha…OR Elin to come down on you.

Gator Happy

Why is it when tourists visit Florida…they get gator happy? I realize that Florida is Gator country…Home of The University of Florida Gators...gator this…and gator that, so I guess I can understand why a tourist is interested in seeing a 4-legged pocketbook...kinda.

Heck, if you went to Vermont, you’d probably want to see Ben and Jerry. If you went to Maine, you’d want to see a Moose. And if you went to New Jersey, you’d want to ride I-95.

Talk about rides…on Alligator Alley through southern Florida…every 2 miles there are airboat ride trips to see gators…to watch lazy over-grown reptiles not move on the bank of some knee deep swamp. Folks are just lining up to take a ride on a boat driven by some Jethro with a red neck and bushy mustache…who's crackin’ jokes, tellin’ gator tales, and threaten’ to dump you into 14 inches of water. Hee Haw.

And if you think those airboat owners aren’t laughing their red necks off by charging you big bucks for the ride…there is some swamp land in Florida I want to sell you.

At least the cost to ride a portion of I-95 in New Jersey is only $1.70.

Sticking it to John Mayer

There are times when you should stick to what you know best. And not venture into territories that are out of your realm. For some reason there are celebrities who are accomplished at something…and feel they would be a natural at something else.

Take an actress turned singer…Minnie Driver, Scarlett Johansson…very lousy. Take a singer turned actress…Mariah Carey, Britney Spears…very, very lousy. Very rarely is the cross-over a good thing…unless you are Jennifer Hudson.

Which leads me to John Mayer. Okay, he’s not a singer turned actor…but lately he could get an Academy Award for his actions. “And the winner for Acting Like A Huge Ass Award goes to…John Mayer.”

Last month I read the smart aleck stuff he said in Rolling Stone Magazine …which was weird and hard to follow. Am I the only one in the Room for Squares?

But last week John was waay more offensive in an interview he did with Playboy Magazine and ruffled a lot of feathers. Even Oprah won’t let him on the show to atone for his comments…and she even let a bad guy, who bit off an ear, on her show.

Sometimes when Mayer opens his mouth...he does more damage than biting off an ear. He acts too smart for his own britches…with his edgy comments, and shock jock remarks. He should keep his mouth shut, unless of course, he’s singing his lyrics.

Sing it, John… “You’re body is a wonderland.”

Granted, Mayer is very intelligent, especially for a guy with only a high school degree. (And a year at Berklee College of Music.) His IQ could be over 140…but his Common Sense IQ is definitely around 14.

Although his Intelligence Quotient might be off the charts…he needs to cool off… with the off color commentary and off the cuff comments…especially before he ticks-off too many people…and finds his ass...off the music charts.

Kat’s advice. “Stick to what you know John…the business of making MUSIC...and your fans will be happy.

katOUT….a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE John Mayer fan.