Thursday, May 28, 2009

Emoting About Emissions

President Obama is putting forth legislation to make cars cleaner. Just when I was actually beginning to appreciate the smell of auto emissions...that odiferous smell of cyclobutanes with a combo of carburetor fumes. Damn, I’m gonna miss that.

You’re familiar with that lovely smell. I love getting a good wiff of it as I’m sitting in traffic on I-95, bumper-to-bumper and the jalopy in front of me emits a cloud of black smoke…that enters every orifice of my car and permeates my clothing. Damn, I’m gonna miss that.

And with the legislation, the smog produced by millions of cars over cities like Denver and LA…will be reduced. And just when I was getting used to the pale grey skies that color my world bleak even when the sun is shining. Damn, I’m gonna miss that.

Without smog, my complexion will be missing the urban elements. Now I’m going to be faced with youthful skin…just when I got used to that old person looking back at me in the mirror. Damn, I’m gonna miss that.

And with the new clean car policy, cars will be made more efficiently resulting in better gas mileage. And just when I was getting used to having to gas-up after going around the block once. I love stopping into gas stations to see what the attendants are doing and to pick up a bag of Fritos. And now I’ll be buying fewer lottery tickets. I guess I can forget becoming a lottery winner. Damn, I’m gonna miss that.

And ghastly, I’ll be paying less for gas. I’ve so enjoyed taking my hard earned money (wait, do I work?) and lining the pockets of the oil companies. Damn, I’m gonna miss that.

President Obama………thanks a lot.

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