Man VS Tree

Who hasn’t had a decorated Christmas tree fall over…at least once? A Christmas tree disaster is a horrifying event.

To enter the room and find your tree flat, horizontal on the floor, is like entering a police crime scene…and seeing the chalk outline of a dead body. I know this because it has happened to us 2 and a half times. (The tree silly, not dead body.)

So you were wondering…How is it possible for a tree to fall half a time? So nice of you to ask, thank you. Well…I caught the tree in the act of falling before it hit the floor…so technically this makes it half a time.


I had just finished putting on the last glass ornament and the 12 foot tall, 5 foot wide tree started falling. I quickly stuck my hand through the branches and grabbed hold of the trunk. And then screamed for help.

But help never came.


The kids weren’t home and PaulA was in the basement running on the treadmill …watching the Patriots on TV with the volume on 50. There I stood, with my face planted in the tree. The pine needles smelled great...but they hurt like hell as they scratched my arms and poked my eyes. The tree got heavier and heavier, as I listened to the sound of PaulA's pace on the treadmill and the Patriots game in the distance.

Anywhooooooooooooooooooooo………………………..

As out-of-luck would have it…that day PaulA decided to be treadmill marathon man so we both worked up a sweat with every minute that passed. Finally, PaulA stopped and heard my distant cries for HELP and came to my aid. I had held on through a decidedly tough brush of Man vs Tree...and perservered.

I was NOT about to give in. Over my dead body, there would be a Christmas. Put the chalk away....this was not to be another crime scene.



Christmas Countdown – Day TWENTY-ONE


This is a FIRST that I’ve been this organized for Christmas...and I don’t even drink Red Bull. Big C comes home at midnight! Gonna watch UCONN Women’s basketball tonight. They are ONE WIN away from the longest winning basketball streak EVER. Go UCONN.

Lick or Click?

Oprah has her favorite things…and I have mine. During the holidays, I live for the holiday cards…Merry Christmas cards, Happy Hanukkah cards, Kwazy Kawanza cards. I watch my mailbox from the window and wait for the mailman to come around the corner. “Close your door dude, you’re gonna fall out.”

Think about it, at what other time of the year do you actually receive snail mail…hand delivered by a letter carrier? Old School style…not the electronic inbox: “You’ve got mail.”

Getting cards out in the mail can be a monumental task so I appreciate the time involved around the process. I know how tricky it is if you want to include a family photo, especially one with your dog…and have the dog looking straight into the camera and not licking his privates.


Then there is the tedious process of addressing the envelope, stamping it, and licking the envelope. Yuck! Maybe the family dog could help by putting his tongue to better use. “Oh Duncandog…I have a project for you.”

Anywhoooooooooooo………

With today’s technology…there are many short cuts to the whole process…especially if you are computer savvy. Like using the computer to make cards with photos you’ve upload, downloaded, and off-roaded.

The family newsletter is a great shortcut to writing letters to everyone and helps alleviate writer’s cramp. I like reading newsletters…until I realize how painfully average we are as a family.


Although I’m partial to an Old School holiday card, I do appreciate email greetings. The big advantage with receiving email is that you don’t have to worry about “who” or “what” licked the envelopes.


Christmas Countdown – Day TWENTY


Five more days. This is the first year I’m actually in good shape…Okay, I’m talking preparedness for Christmas.


House decorated - check
Tree decorated – check
Cards sent - check
Presents shopped - check
Presents wrapped – check
Groceries shopped – check
Booze bought –Double check


Wishy is home – time to go stare at her.

The Situation

During the holidays there is just so much food to be had…to be eaten…to be applied...to the thigh and butt area. I understand where Santa gets his girth.

Think about St. Nick…he’s constantly around food. There’s at least 1,000 calories waiting for him at the bottom of every chimney. Millions of kids have left him cookies and milk and he’s expected to consume it all.

Another Christmas…another trip around the cookie world. There’s Snickerdoodles in Switzerland…Toffee in Thailand…Peppermint Pinwheels in Portugal…Gingerbread in Germany. And to wash it all down…Finlandia in Finland (which can lead to hazardous sleigh driving.)

Rumor has it that back in Santa’s younger years, he was svelte and ripped. He was known in the North Pole as Santa the Playboy…but that was before Mrs. Claus bagged him. After too many years and too many cookies…everything slid to his equator.

Anywhooooooooooooo………………………

I found this picture of St. Nick back in his younger years…back when he was Nick with the six pack…and not the six he was dropping off for PaulA. Back then he had dark hair and liked to walk around without a shirt. I’m just saying….a young Santa could have given Mike "The Situation" a run for the Jersey Shore…no doubt.



Before Santa began hitting the “milk” and cookies…he had it…and liked to flaunt it...especially after a good session of GTL.





Countdown to Christimas – Day SIXTEEN


Went to PattyO’s annual “To Heck With the Cookie" Party for laughs, libation, LCR, swap and spit. Okay, not the spit part….


Mailed half the Christmas cards.

Duncandog's 12 Days of Christmas

We all know that through the years, prices have skyrocketed…especially on essential every day items…gas, food, and Bon Jovi tickets. So it only makes sense that the gifts in the Christmas song "The 12 Days of Christmas" would come with a hefty price tag.

At today’s prices…purchasing all 78 of the gifts mentioned in the 12 days of Christmas would cost your true love a whopping $96,000. But Duncandog’s gifts to Kat come at a cheaper price. They don’t cost him a thing…no hair off his furry ass…sorta speak.

Anywhooooooooooo…………………………

I've taken the liberty of changing the words to the annoyingly popular Christmas tune: The Twelve Days of Christmas - gift-giving from Duncandog.

In an attempt to spare you the pain of all twelve verses…I’ve cut to the (dog) chase and went straight to the last verse.


Sing with me now……………….

On the Twelfth Day of Christmas
My Duncandog gave to me:

12 years of living
11 deer ticks carrying
10 nylons ripping
9 leashes pulling
8 treats a begging
7 butts a sniffing
6 tails a wagging
5 EATEN SHOES
4 booming barks
3 face licks
2 burnt-out lawns
And a large poop on my kitchen rug

This new version may soon become another annoyingly popular Christmas favorite.


Countdown to Christmas – Day FIFTEEN

I put the little white candles in all the windows. Note to self: Put timers on your Wish list.

Alert: 10 days of shopping before Christmas. If you still have more shopping to do...you’re running out of time to order gifts online and have them arrive before Christmas. Looks like you’ll have to enter the dreaded…Taj MaMall Triangle...where many a shopper's money has disappeared.

Join the LOSER Club

Everyone hates to lose. Unless, of course, you’re on the show The Biggest Loser. On that show…The Biggest Loser always wins.

Most times, however, it sucks to lose. NO ONE likes it. And some people are really BAD LOSERS…they pout and walk around grumbling, “I’m a loser baby, so why don’t cha kill me?”

They say, “No one likes a bad loser.” Does that mean, we like a good loser? I don't agree. If you’ve become too good at losing…you’ve reached loser status. I’m just saying…you’re looking kinda dumb with your finger and your thumb in the shape of an “L” on your forehead.

Anywhoooooooo……….....………

Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose (Carol King sang it best.) And it’s never fun to lose…especially your cell phone, your keys, and your cookies all in one night. Very. Rough.

But one thing for sure…….

You can’t lose by checking out Dear Havanah’s new single….LOSER. It’s a cover of the 90’s Beck song…and a definite winner.

And just so you don’t lose your way…here is the link: http://www.dearhavanah.com/

Join the LOSER Club…and download your copy of Dear Havanah’s “LOSER”…TODAY.


Countdown to Christmas – Day Fourteen

Some costs of Christmas

Packages shipped at Post Office….$25.50

Lights and ornaments on tree…blood, sweat, and tears

Tree still standing…priceless

The Original Yankee Swap

This holiday season I was invited to a Yankee swap and I got to thinking (I’m always thinking, even during the holidays)… Does anyone know why it’s known as the “Yankee Swap” and not the “Rebel swap”? What is it about the Yankee mentality that makes them want to swap? Is it a flaw in character? Questions, questions, questions.

We know northerners have the reputation of being cold, pushy, and fast-paced. Apparently this is inline with what goes on at a Yankee swap…with stealing, grabbing, and trash talking. “Hey you @#$%, that’s my gift now…hand it over. Let’s fight.”

A Rebel swap probably would be run a little differently…more polite. “If ya’ll want my gift, go ahead. What’s mine is yours. Would you like a sweet tea?”


Anywhooooooooooooooo…………………..

Hmmm….I’m on to something. (Not to be confused with: I’m on something.) The reason the Yankees Baseball team has been so good over the years is because they are masters at the game of stealing and swapping. The Yankees are the original Yankee Swap.

This season, if your favorite gift or baseball player…gets stolen. Remember, there's no crying in Yankee swaps or baseball.


Whaa…whaa…whaa.


Ps. Happy Birthday Shout-OUT to Frankie, one of my faithful (and commenting) blog readers…the best kind.


Christmas Countdown – Day THIRTEEN


I started addressing Christmas Cards. (Got writer’s cramp?) PaulA put the tree in the stand. (Got decorations?) I bought a few gifts. (Got cash?)

Acting Chops

Some actors work their entire career hoping to sink their acting chops into a larger-than-life role. We have a member of our family who has had such a role and received notoriety at a young age.


Exit stage left: Meryl Streep
Enter stage right: Brianna

Brianna’s larger-than-life role?? Baby Jesus.
.
Anywhooooooooooo……………….

The director of our church Christmas pageant had casted Chelsea, age 5, as an angel…and Colinboy, age 3, as a sheep herder. After getting one look at Wishy, the director was immediately interested in her for the role of Baby Jesus.

Brianna had all the attributes needed to play the role. She was a director’s dream. She could sit up without slumping forward. Her temperament was calm and serene. She had the face of a cherub, with the most beautiful peaches and cream complexion…and her best attribute for the role of Baby Jesus…she was a baby. Brianna was 6 months old.

I was the typical stage mom…of course. Doting on my child...demanding special privileges; front pew seats for my family and friends…requesting special products in her dressing room; extra Huggies and binkies. I know I was a little over the top with all the demands but…Come on folks…we are talking the Baby Jesus.

I was so proud of Sweet Wishy. She did a great job of sinking her acting chops into the role…especially with only having two teeth to work with.