Why do I write this blog? Let me count the ways.
1. hmmmm
2 . well...yea
3. sure, that's it
4. that's definitely why I write
5. I write this blog cuz ...ummm
6. lots of reasons
7. yep, you betcha...lots of reasons
8. first reason is, wait....I'm on reason eight already
9. I write it cuz it's a way to ummm....
10. a way to ummma....ummma
11. let's see...
12. uhhh...you know
13. I like to
14. like, you know...
15. that was it
16. oh yea...
17. and that too
18. that's it...right there
19. yes siree....
20. Wow, I'm to 20 reasons already.
Do I need to count 20 more?
Monday, October 12, 2009
Friday, October 9, 2009
Above the Clouds
I don’t like to fly…although I like going places. And because I can’t always get there from here….I’m forced to climb aboard the 400 tons of steel that somehow makes it off the ground…and face my fears. The scary feeling of leaving the ground…when everything is out of your control and the thought, “what goes up, must come down”…rests heavily on my mind.
So there I was…on my latest flight…hoping like hell that what goes up, comes right-side down in Charlotte after a couple of hours. And not down in 90 seconds with the belly up.
The best thing about flying is that it’s always beautiful at 37,000 feet, regardless of whatever nasty weather we are having on the ground. Above the clouds, the sun is always shining. Maybe that’s what heaven is like.
Everyone has their own version of what they think heaven is like and it usually has something to do with what pleases them the most. So for PaulA, its’ probably an endless string of stellar days with unlimited golf. For Colin…a gig with 10,000 adoring fans. For Chelsea…a mall with FREE fashionable clothing. For Bri…actually, just the shoe store with every shoe imaginable. And for Duncandog…a room full of meat loaf and lasagna.
My heaven is to be back on earth……plane upright, nose forward, wings intact, and wheels down.
So there I was…on my latest flight…hoping like hell that what goes up, comes right-side down in Charlotte after a couple of hours. And not down in 90 seconds with the belly up.
The best thing about flying is that it’s always beautiful at 37,000 feet, regardless of whatever nasty weather we are having on the ground. Above the clouds, the sun is always shining. Maybe that’s what heaven is like.
Everyone has their own version of what they think heaven is like and it usually has something to do with what pleases them the most. So for PaulA, its’ probably an endless string of stellar days with unlimited golf. For Colin…a gig with 10,000 adoring fans. For Chelsea…a mall with FREE fashionable clothing. For Bri…actually, just the shoe store with every shoe imaginable. And for Duncandog…a room full of meat loaf and lasagna.
My heaven is to be back on earth……plane upright, nose forward, wings intact, and wheels down.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The New Queen of Mean
The one thing I try hard not to do is say anything mean in my blog. It’s not my style to be rude or condescending. Childish…yep. Insulting…nope. When it comes to Paula Deen, however, I can’t help myself. She brings out the Joan Rivers in me. In other words….Deen brings out the mean.
For some reason, Paula Deen is just one particular celeb that rubs me the wrong way. And I’m not talking pork rub…cuz there is nothing like a good pork rub on a Sunday afternoon. I pretty much dislike everything about her. I dislike her voice…a bogus, played-up southern accent…and I really dislike her schtick. Every time she slices one of her cakes on television, she runs her fingers down the knife…and then sucks every finger…one by one. Now that’s disgusting.
She is so over the top, you just know she is one phony person. Holden Caulfield would go absolutely nut-so on her. That sugar sweet persona is as fake as saccharin.
Yep, I’m the Queen of Mean when it comes to Paula Deen. I am also not a fan of her recipes. There isn’t anything that she makes that I would want to cook. It might be comfort food…but I don’t take comfort in her ingredients. Her recipes are fattening and heart attack friendly. We are talking mac and 45 pounds of cheese, cheesy meatloaf, triple fried chicken, and deep fried Twinkies.
There is only one Paula that really gets me cooking…and that is PaulA. Hot tamales baby.
For some reason, Paula Deen is just one particular celeb that rubs me the wrong way. And I’m not talking pork rub…cuz there is nothing like a good pork rub on a Sunday afternoon. I pretty much dislike everything about her. I dislike her voice…a bogus, played-up southern accent…and I really dislike her schtick. Every time she slices one of her cakes on television, she runs her fingers down the knife…and then sucks every finger…one by one. Now that’s disgusting.
She is so over the top, you just know she is one phony person. Holden Caulfield would go absolutely nut-so on her. That sugar sweet persona is as fake as saccharin.
Yep, I’m the Queen of Mean when it comes to Paula Deen. I am also not a fan of her recipes. There isn’t anything that she makes that I would want to cook. It might be comfort food…but I don’t take comfort in her ingredients. Her recipes are fattening and heart attack friendly. We are talking mac and 45 pounds of cheese, cheesy meatloaf, triple fried chicken, and deep fried Twinkies.
There is only one Paula that really gets me cooking…and that is PaulA. Hot tamales baby.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Appearances Can Be Deceiving
I learned something on my last flight. It’s tough to be a guy with ear lobe plugs, a nose ring, and full sleeve tattoos exposed on both arms…and go through security without getting extra attention. The reason I know this is because he ended up sitting next to me on my last flight.
When he first sat down he smiled and said hello. Although I was momentarily blinded by the gleam off his nose ring, I thought to myself, “What a nice person.” Then when the plane started its ascent, he offered me a stick of gum. I thought, “What a very nice person. That bull nose ring is starting to grow on me.”
After a little convo, I learned that he was actually a Tattoo Artist and had an art portfolio that was being made into a hard covered book. Through his business he did a lot of flying and was always profiled by Security. Every time he flew, they pulled him out of line, roughed him up, and searched through his belongings.
I say leave the guy alone. The tattoos, ear piercings, and nose ring are way too obvious. I’m more concerned about the little ole granny peering over the top of her glasses. I hope the Security people x-ray her cane…it’s probably hollowed out and carrying more than a bottle of Geritol.
So here’s the moral: Appearances can be deceiving. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Oh, and I have one thing to add: Don’t judge a blogger by their blog. Give them a chance. Otherwise, I’m just a windbag of mindless thoughts…when in fact…I’m a Blog Artist.
When he first sat down he smiled and said hello. Although I was momentarily blinded by the gleam off his nose ring, I thought to myself, “What a nice person.” Then when the plane started its ascent, he offered me a stick of gum. I thought, “What a very nice person. That bull nose ring is starting to grow on me.”
After a little convo, I learned that he was actually a Tattoo Artist and had an art portfolio that was being made into a hard covered book. Through his business he did a lot of flying and was always profiled by Security. Every time he flew, they pulled him out of line, roughed him up, and searched through his belongings.
I say leave the guy alone. The tattoos, ear piercings, and nose ring are way too obvious. I’m more concerned about the little ole granny peering over the top of her glasses. I hope the Security people x-ray her cane…it’s probably hollowed out and carrying more than a bottle of Geritol.
So here’s the moral: Appearances can be deceiving. Don’t judge a book by its cover.
Oh, and I have one thing to add: Don’t judge a blogger by their blog. Give them a chance. Otherwise, I’m just a windbag of mindless thoughts…when in fact…I’m a Blog Artist.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Friendly Skies
I’m at the age to remember when Flight Attendants were women and called stewardesses. I’m not sure if it was just rumor, but there was also something about them having to be pretty. But that’s pretty much not the same anymore. First of all, flight attendants can be men or women. They can be all shapes and sizes…and they can pretty and unpretty. On my last flight I saw a flight attendant who was an unflattering round triangle.
But one thing Flight Attendants through the years have always been is patient. I could no sooner do their job than write an intelligent blog.
I would be very short in the patience department. There’s always some person onboard who tries to stretch the rules…use more overhead compartment space than his fair share, sit in more than his fair share of chair, and spend more of his fair share in the bathroom. They think the world is actually a “table for one.” But Flight Attendants manage to keep their cool, keep their smile, and keep from using a baseball bat that I would have easily put to good use.
So I want to send a shout-out to the Flight Attendants who keep the skies friendly: THANK YOU!!!!!
But one thing Flight Attendants through the years have always been is patient. I could no sooner do their job than write an intelligent blog.
I would be very short in the patience department. There’s always some person onboard who tries to stretch the rules…use more overhead compartment space than his fair share, sit in more than his fair share of chair, and spend more of his fair share in the bathroom. They think the world is actually a “table for one.” But Flight Attendants manage to keep their cool, keep their smile, and keep from using a baseball bat that I would have easily put to good use.
So I want to send a shout-out to the Flight Attendants who keep the skies friendly: THANK YOU!!!!!
Friday, October 2, 2009
Happy Anniversary
Tomorrow …October 3rd is the 28th wedding anniversary of PaulA and Kat. Wow that’s a looong time. Being the traditionalists that we are, I’ll be wearing my wedding dress (faded and old)…no wise cracks please. We’ll be listening to our song "Something So Right" and dancing around the family room 1,2,3. 1,2,3. Actually it will be more like...stepping on each other shoes… trying to take the lead from each other. You can count on that. 1,2,3.
The words... “Something So Right” by Barbra Streisand are engraved inside our wedding bands. PaulA has tried to lose his ring twice…but it keeps finding its way back, even after losing it on 2 different golf courses. I knew losing a golf ball was a hazard of playing golf…but it also seems so is losing a wedding ring.
Our good friend, BillyA,who sang and played guitar at our wedding, informed me that Michelle and Barack Obama have the same anniversary date. But we had it first! I always knew we had a lot in common with the First Couple. Heck, we are both good looking and PaulA and I also live in a White House.
I’m sure this will be a special anniversary for the Obama’s…especially because it’s their first as President and First Lady in the White House. I wonder if Obama will sign his anniversary card to Michelle… Love, the President. Awwwww. As for cards, no one writes a better card than PaulA, even if you are Obama and have people writing for you.
For the past 28 years, PaulA has always made me feel special…like I was the First Lady. And even though PaulA might be considered the President of our White House…you can be sure…I always get the lead.
After all these years…still Something So Right.
The words... “Something So Right” by Barbra Streisand are engraved inside our wedding bands. PaulA has tried to lose his ring twice…but it keeps finding its way back, even after losing it on 2 different golf courses. I knew losing a golf ball was a hazard of playing golf…but it also seems so is losing a wedding ring.
Our good friend, BillyA,who sang and played guitar at our wedding, informed me that Michelle and Barack Obama have the same anniversary date. But we had it first! I always knew we had a lot in common with the First Couple. Heck, we are both good looking and PaulA and I also live in a White House.
I’m sure this will be a special anniversary for the Obama’s…especially because it’s their first as President and First Lady in the White House. I wonder if Obama will sign his anniversary card to Michelle… Love, the President. Awwwww. As for cards, no one writes a better card than PaulA, even if you are Obama and have people writing for you.
For the past 28 years, PaulA has always made me feel special…like I was the First Lady. And even though PaulA might be considered the President of our White House…you can be sure…I always get the lead.
After all these years…still Something So Right.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
The Upsell Principle
I don’t want to sound like Andy Rooney…or resemble him…in any way, shape, form or eyebrow. But I have a complaint.
I hate upselling. I realize waiters and waitresses are trained to get you to spend more money. It’s their job to get customers to buy more than they really want…to eat more, drink more and be happy more. It’s the upsell Principle.
After I’ve plowed through the bread, appetizer, salad, and Fred Flintstone sized prime ribs of beef…now they want me to eat dessert. And they do this because they want to see me well fed? No, they want to upsell for a big fat tip…they don’t care about waste or waistlines.
I was thinking about the subject of tipping. The tipping of waiters, that is…not the tipping of cows, one of my all-time favorite subjects. If you order a burger and fries for 9.99…the (20%) tip is 2 dollars. And if you order the sea bass which costs 25 dollars…the tip is 5 dollars. But when you think about it…there is the same amount of work required for the waiter to carry either plate of food. Heck, the fish plate even weighs less than the pound of red meat and fries. And to carry it further…(hehe).. the more your meal costs…the less there is of it on the plate.
Upselling not only occurs in restaurants, but everywhere. At the mall when I’m buying a sweater…they want me to buy 2 sweaters…and get the second for half off. But I only want one. I have 5 different shades of black sweaters already. They want you to get their credit card and receive 10% off your next purchase. If you open a checking account you can get a free toaster. But I have a toaster. Doesn’t every person who opens a checking account already have a toaster?
Everyone has some deal to offer you. Heck, that’s why I had 3 kids. My obstetrician promised me a deal that after 2 kids, the 3rd was half price. I couldn’t refuse!
Hmmm...maybe I should apply the Upsell principle to my blog. Here’s the offer:
If you get 2 friends or 2 frenemies…(your choice) to read my blog…you will see your name and address written in my blog. Wait, just kidding. Come back.
I hate upselling. I realize waiters and waitresses are trained to get you to spend more money. It’s their job to get customers to buy more than they really want…to eat more, drink more and be happy more. It’s the upsell Principle.
After I’ve plowed through the bread, appetizer, salad, and Fred Flintstone sized prime ribs of beef…now they want me to eat dessert. And they do this because they want to see me well fed? No, they want to upsell for a big fat tip…they don’t care about waste or waistlines.
I was thinking about the subject of tipping. The tipping of waiters, that is…not the tipping of cows, one of my all-time favorite subjects. If you order a burger and fries for 9.99…the (20%) tip is 2 dollars. And if you order the sea bass which costs 25 dollars…the tip is 5 dollars. But when you think about it…there is the same amount of work required for the waiter to carry either plate of food. Heck, the fish plate even weighs less than the pound of red meat and fries. And to carry it further…(hehe).. the more your meal costs…the less there is of it on the plate.
Upselling not only occurs in restaurants, but everywhere. At the mall when I’m buying a sweater…they want me to buy 2 sweaters…and get the second for half off. But I only want one. I have 5 different shades of black sweaters already. They want you to get their credit card and receive 10% off your next purchase. If you open a checking account you can get a free toaster. But I have a toaster. Doesn’t every person who opens a checking account already have a toaster?
Everyone has some deal to offer you. Heck, that’s why I had 3 kids. My obstetrician promised me a deal that after 2 kids, the 3rd was half price. I couldn’t refuse!
Hmmm...maybe I should apply the Upsell principle to my blog. Here’s the offer:
If you get 2 friends or 2 frenemies…(your choice) to read my blog…you will see your name and address written in my blog. Wait, just kidding. Come back.
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