Sunday, October 25, 2015

Buns and Puns

When you reach a certain age, 
"they" advise you to become intimate with
a gastroenterologist.  
After putting up a real stink and 
procrastinating until the cows come home, 
you eventually succumb to the nastiest of procedures...
it's colonoscopy time, folks.

This time it was PaulA's turn.  
I had my colonoscopy last winter during a full moon, 
so my job was to drive PaulA back and forth to his procedure.
 He definitely got the bum end of the deal.   
ba dum dum

I admit, 
the only thing that gets me through the 
twists and turns of  a colonoscopy is the puns.  
Buns and Puns.
And it didn't get better than this. 

This was the sign on the medical building of my colonoscopy. 
for real.
I arrived laughing my ass off. 


I am always correcting PaulA that the word "colonoscopy"
 is pronounced Colon–oscopy. 
I have to remind him that we didn’t name our son 
after an internal organ…
especially one so twisted and dirty. 

They say the prep is the worse part. 
And "they" would be right.
The prep poops you out
ingestion of a liquid roto-rooter  and 
mad dashes to the loo. 
And a note of caution:
a fart is not just a fart.  
It should never EVER be underestimated. 
And a laugh or a cough could also prove disastrous.  

I’ll spare you the behind the scenes details of the procedure.   Let's just say, 
it involves a very long garden hose 

with a light and a camera attached to the end
(The only time it is acceptable to be hosed.)
the best sleep ever…
the Wizard of Oz poppy field kind...

not the kind you get in Aisle 5 at Walgreens.

I remember asking the Dr. after my colonoscopy 
if he found a polyp, 
not PaulA...
he asked his Dr. if he found any money in there.  
PaulA = a smart ass

I find it interesting that before you get your ass out of Dodge
they give you a farting parting gift; 
a picture of the inside of your colon.
Although the picture is quite interesting,
it's not really worth framing.

Luckily PaulA doesn't have to go back for another 10 years.  He asked his Dr. if he would be around for his next colonoscopy to which the Doc answered "Nope."  
I'm sure 
he's seen his share of assholes through the years.
And needs a change...
of view. 

You have to be tired of the cracks and cheeky humor.
I'll end now.

The best thing about a Colonoscopy is the puns.  
Buns and Puns.

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