An Ultimate Diet Low

“I’ll take 5 donuts…jelly, Boston crème, glazed, sugar, chocolate frosted with sprinkles. Aww…heck…make it a baker’s dozen.”

That’s a typical Dunkin Donuts order from Donna Simpson, a New Jersey woman on a diet…to gain weight. Not that she isn’t killing the scales already. She weighs in at 600, but her goal is to reach 1,000 pounds. That gives new meaning to “having a goal in life.”

Her boyfriend weighs a mere 150 lbs. and would prefer it if Simpson was bigger. She says her boyfriend is a belly man, likes cellulite, and “completely supports her.” Hey, I’d like to see that. I think if she leaned on him, he would fold like paper origami.

Anywho………….

What’s Ms. Simpson’s favorite food? That would be sushi; 70 pieces in one sitting. And of course, donuts. Maybe DD’s should consider offering sushi and donuts together…saving her a stop.

In order to pile on the pounds, she chows down 12,000 calories a day and tries to stay sedentary. She makes sure every trip to her frig is gainfully productive.

Her gastronomical bill for her maniacal diet is astronomical at $750 per week, which is paid by viewers of her website (mostly men) to watch her eat and show off her body. The whole enchilada seems astrologically diabolical.

Simpson is proud to hold the current Guinness World Record for the "World’s Fattest Mother" and says that she’s being “original.” Along with donut cravings, I think she craves attention and will do anything for her 15 minutes of fame…even if gaining weight is her only talent. (I’m being biologically satirical.)

It would be SO easy to amass weight jokes….but that would be like taking candy from the fat lady…and she needs those calories to stay on her diet.