Go Fish

Yesterday Big C called and said she bought a goldfish. Today Big C texted and said he expired. We’ve all been struck, at one time or another, with the horror of finding our beloved fish sideways…doing the dead-fish float. She didn’t have him long enough to give him a proper name…a name he could live up to.

What is it about living in a 450 ml environment with stagnant, unoxygenated, chlorinated water that isn’t conducive to living? Fish are so finicky.

Goldfish ages should be calculated in multiples. Dogs years are calculated in multiples of 7…making Duncandog 77. By my calculations….Big C’s fish lived to the ripe old age of one week. Long past his expiration date.

For some reason I’ve had good (dumb) luck with goldfish. When I was in high school, I had a fish that lived for a while in a regular fishbowl…no bubbles. I added blue and yellow rocks to the bowl for décor, my school colors. To keep up his fighting spirit…I sang our school fight song to it every night. Okay, I made that part up…I’m really not that weird. But over time...my fish ended up in the familiar sideways dead-fish float.

I am periodically asked about the fish I keep in a glass vase in my foyer…wondering how the little fella is doing. I wish I could respond “swimmingly,” but unfortunately he too reached his shelf life date.

It must have been a shock for Big C to find her fish floating at the top of the bowl. Kinda like when you come across a body floating in the East River…doing the dead man’s float.

Anywho………………..

Big C gave her fish a fitting departure…a good swift flush into the City Sewer System. “Here lies, dearly beloved nameless fish.” Hopefully she will get over it. Big C can always get a new one… goldfish are a dime a dozen. Well okay, taking in today’s inflation, $2.50. Maybe she’ll get lucky and end up with one with a longer expiration date. Go fish.