Here's the Deal

We’ve all had to…at one point or another …deal with a dealer. I’m talking car dealer here, so don’t be confused. Dealing with a dealer can be very frustrating…and not exactly a Sunday drive in the park.

Everything dealers say and do is a hidden shell game. They talk about MSRP, invoice price, finance price. They offer rebates, discounts and credits...for brand loyalty and military personnel. Extra credits if you are a loyal military person. Under each shell is a new place to hide what is really going on….it’s the same ole bait and switch game the crusty cons play in Washington Square in NYC.

Then dealers ask about the trade-in you’ll be putting towards the sale. They say they’ll give you “x” for it…when they are barely giving any “y”…let alone “z.” All they do is inflate the base price to accommodate the trade-in. So in effect: x =y=z. I’m finding out car dealers know algebra…when I thought all they really knew was basic math.

With the economy and such…people are turning to used cars. Excuuuuuuuse me…I mean…Pre-owned cars. “Pre-owned” sounds much more civilized…but I think “used” is a better description, because that’s exactly how you feel. After a couple of hours with a used car salesperson, you feel like you need to go home and take a shower.

So recently I was at a dealership and pretended to listen to all the figures the salesman scribbled down and slashed through. “This car costs $100,000 but because you are so good looking (okay, I made that up)…but because today is Tuesday, the car is only $40,000. That price is just for YOU…and only for TODAY. No one but YOU and YOU TODAY.”

Here’s the deal………

The dealer whisper: “You are getting an incredible deal. We are not making any profit off the car…just covering our basic costs. We are an altruistic company just wanting to benefit mankind and make sure everyone gets to work on-time.”

The dealer Question: “So what would it take for me to get you into this car today?”

The Answer: “How about some straight talk from a crooked guy.” (Okay, I made that up too.)

The dealer game: In order to get the final offer…the salesman has to meet with the Big Man in the Big Office. Think Wizard of Oz. You just know if you opened the office door…the Big Man would be an Andy Rooney look-alike, bushy eyebrows and all, working on an old school calculator with a paper roll.

The dealer’s deal: The salesman comes back with a monthly payment so small…I can’t believe my eyes. That’s when I realize…they have the car financed over 8 years and the darn thing will be parked in the car graveyard while I'm paying for it.

The dealer’s new deal: “We have the perfect car in your price range. It’s our base model…manual transmission, roll-up windows, no ac, no radio, no ash tray (OMG), a missing back seat. And it’s in Portugal. You’ve always wanted to take a trip to Portugal, right?”

I’m not sure why they are called dealers…I never, ever see any deals being dealt.