The Wish Book

It’s been a while since I’ve looked at The Sky Mall Magazine on an airplane. I tend to stay away from it because I’m afraid it’s been sneezed in ten times. Anyway, during take-off on my last flight I couldn’t reach my book, so I pulled the magazine out of the front seat pocket...and risked a week in bed.

The Sky Mall Magazine, as you know, is a catalog of kitschy and schmaltzy products. I remember as a kid loving catalogs...as does my 9 year old niece, Natalie. Natalie takes them with her so often...her parents have dubbed them Natalogs.

When I was her age I loved the Sears catalog and I remember staring at it with Sister Sludge and my cousins. We’d spend hours sitting on the couch flipping through the pages of the women’s clothing section; pointing to each girl in an outfit and asking each other: “Who do you think is prettier? What outfit do you think is the cutest?”

But my favorite catalog...like every kid back in my day...was the Sears Toy Catalog for Christmas...suitably named the “Wish Book.” The Wish Book would arrive at our house in September and my brother, sisters, and I spent the next 4 months examining each toy. By the time Christmas came around...we had done so much wishing our catalog was tattered, torn, and dog-eared.

Anywhoooooooooooo............

As it turns out...I have found that the Sky Mall Magazine is the adult equivalent of the Sears Toy Catalog. It's a wish book...containing many products that promise to make you look years younger.

There were a few stand-out products...especially the one that promised an Instant Face and Neck Lift. The kit consisted of a fully adjustable elastic band and offered surgery results without the pain. Unless of course, should the elastic band snap you in the face...then it probably hurts like hell.

The Butt Pad promised “sexy curves” and was guaranteed to stay on while dancing and exercising. That’s a good thing. I’ve heard of dancing your ass off...and working your butt off...but literally finding your butt on the floor would be rather startling.

The body slimmer product sounded like a dream slash nightmare. They advertised it as a tummy tuck without surgery and you’d instantly look 10-20 lbs thinner. They promised no bumps and lumps from the torso to the thighs. But they didn’t mention the ankles. That’s probably why the ankles weren’t shown in the picture. You just know each ankle carried 10 pounds.

I thought of bringing the Sky Mall Catalog home with me and giving it to Natalie to add to her collection of Natalogs...but I have a feeling she won’t be wishing for these products for at least 40 years.