The Other White Meat

I haven’t written about the swine flu yet, mainly because I was taking a wait-and-see attitude. I didn’t want to add to the swine flu frenzy and get everyone’s pig’s hairs crossed or raised. The whole idea is scary.

Plus we already have Joe to get us all worked up. You know Joe… Joe Put Your Foot in your Mouth Biden. It didn’t help that he appeared on the Today Show and advised the public against riding the subway or taking commercial flights. Come on Joe, how stupid are you? You want to cause nationwide pig panic and have people running for the hills.

I used to think pigs were cute. Chubby pink creatures with curly tails and happy faces…think Porky Pig. But now when I close my eyes at night…I see chubby pink creatures growing horns…think Porky Pig on Percodan, Percocet and Red Bull. I see cute pigs morphing into swines. A swine sounds so much dirtier than a piggy. Porky Pig becomes a stealth germ-carrying swine…the other white meat.

It is important to be cautious during this time and practice simple common-sense hygiene. Frequent hand washing is very important and no kissing. And holding hands while kissing is a definite no-no.

People are starting to look at each other differently…with an accusatory eye. Hmmm…are you a swine carrier or do you just resemble that remark? I was in Walmart yesterday and a woman coughed in front of me. I grabbed a Miley Cyrus t-shirt and put it in front of my face. I always knew that Miley was good for something… “Hey Lady, keep the swine flu to yourself.”

And the swine flu is causing us to spread rumors about each other… “I think that man working in the Stop and Shop deli looks sickly. He’s probably a swine flu carrier. I heard him cough…and his snout is growing daily…not to mention his tail is curling.”

Every person and every condition becomes suspect: A sneeze = swine flu. A skin rash = swine flu. A skinned knee = swine flu. A zit = swine flu.

I don’t know about you, but if I thought about the swine flu too much…I could easily get my bacon a-shakin’ in my blog chair.