Mega MillionsTicket to Ride

UNFORTUNATELY..

almost all of us woke up last week
wearing the big "L"

LOSER
on our foreheads.

UNLUCKILY...

we didn't win the 640 million dollar Mega Millions lottery...

so it was  back to the routine.

Back to business...

Back to books...

Back to blogging.

So did you purchase a lottery ticket to take your chance at the

Mega JACKPOT

hoping to get your

 ticket to paradise...

ticket to ride?

They say... "you can't win...if you don't play."

My problem  was more of the reverse....

"if you can't play.....you don't win."

In other words, I didn't have a Chinaman's chance.  (very.offensive, i take it back.) 

Fat chance (again, offensive)

Ghost of a chance.  (pretty sure this is not derogatory to ghosts)

My excuse for not winning? 

I was in Florida...one of the 8 states that doesn't play the Mega Millions.

(What were the odds of that?)

Florida residents might be lucky enough to live in Florida for the weather...
but shit-out-of-luck

when it comes to playing the Mega. 

(They might want to think about  moving to Kentucky.

I hear, people are always getting lucky  in Kentucky.)

I thought of purchasing a few Mega tickets online,

but it seemed a little desperate. 

 I didn't want to start receiving emails from Gamblers Anonymous.

Anywhoooooo....

We had a few winners, folks.

And so far the winners have decided to hide from us losers,

and remain anonymous.

They haven't drawn attention to themselves...

by kissing everyone in town..

or telling everyone in town

to kiss-off.

For as much as I would want to scream my good fortune to the world...
I suppose...I  would have to remain anonymous...

otherwise people would see me as a walking ATM...
 dollar signs in my eyes

and an ass a mouth spitting out bills.

It might, however,be hard to stay anonymous.

Especially with the trail I would be leaving behind...

cash cascading from my pockets

 gold pouring from my pores,

and my pink Bentley.

We are allowed to dream, right?

The Equality Dance

Historically (and in some cases hysterically)

men and women have fought for common ground. 

And have met in the middle, in many areas:
politics
business

Title Nine

child rearing

Yes siree....

(or to be equal)

Yes ma'am...

for years and years...men and women have danced the equality dance.

But the latest controversy

that pairs

"Miss Canada" Jenna Talackova with
the Miss Universe Pageant ...

puts an interesting twist or tango on that dance.

Miss Canada was barred from entering the Miss Universe Pageant because she was

not a "naturally born" female. 

Have you seen her? 

Let's not deny the obvious...

Jenna definitely measures up.

Man, she has amazing legs. 

Whoops I mean...
Woman, she has amazing legs. 

Which isn't a total surprise...men/transgendered women don't usually have cellulite on their legs. 

I would love PaulA's legs...

(although they might look a little awkward on my bod.)

Smelling a whiff of discrimination...

feminist Gloria Pittbull Allred...

put her nose

took up the case
against Donald King of Self-Promotion Trump,

owner of the Miss Universe Organization.

The  dance between Donald and Gloria was not pretty.

It was more of "the bump" and grind

and resorted to immature barbs.

Trump later reversed the ruling

allowing Jenna and any transgendered woman in the future to participate.


Anywhooo.....

There is one place where the sexes keep on dancing...
dancing around the subject.

Women are still not allowed to join the Augusta National Golf Club in Georgia,

where the Masters is played. 

What's the deal with that?

Personally I would never covet that ugly green jacket...but what it represents.

Shirley, this issue has come up time and time again 

and Frankly, (equal time)

I have no idea how they get away with barring women in 2012...

especially since IBM is a Masters sponsor
and historically Augusta National has offered membership to the IBM CEO...

who this year happens
to be a WOMAN.

Ginni Rometty

Question: 

If a woman (who was previously a man) can compete in the Miss Universe Pageant,

why can't a woman (who wears the pants) join Augusta National? 

Each side needs to give a little....

Let's just call it...

Tit for tat.

What's in your Basket?

Way back when...

back in the day...

Our 3 chicks loved searching for their Easter baskets

almost as much as discovering what was in them.

The Easter Bunny would hide their baskets

and leave a little rhyming note

with clues to help them with their search.

 “Yo yo, E.B. here...

Be a dear and get your rear in gear.

Find your basket where yo daddy stashes beer.”

(Okay, not exactly that clue…maybe something a little sweeter and age appropriate.)

I’ll always remember the Easter when I was just a kitten

(and not an ole alley Kat)

when the Easter Bunny brought me the best basket ever.

Nestled in the green plastic grass...

I found

A toy yellow chick,  

a pack of candy cigarettes,

 and a pen in the shape of a cigar.  

Apparently I was the

“Lucky”

 recipient of the “Jr. Smoker’s Easter Basket.” 

And this kitten was purring with happiness. 

 I still remember diligently working on my homework with my cigar pen,

while smoking my candy cigarettes.

Anywhoooo......

What’s in your basket? 

I hope yours was as smokin’

as mine was...

back in the day.

Happy Easter

Easter Finest

Whenever I walk through our Taj MaMALL this time of year,

 my heart does the

panga-panga.

That might sound like the salsa,

but actually it’s my heart panging at the sight of

sweet little Easter outfits for children.

I can’t help stare at the adorable dresses with bows and sashes,

and little bonnets for girls.

Sweet plaid outfits with Peter Pan collars for boys.  

They remind me of “those days”...

when we dressed Big C, Colinboy, and Wishy in their Easter Finest.

Anywhooooo….

I clearly remember getting the kids dressed in their Easter outfits for church...

when clearly their mind was set on indulging in their Easter baskets.

It took the 2 of us...to get the 3 of them ready. 

We were clearly outnumbered. 

But we refused to be outsmarted.     

“Yes, Colinboy...little man...this is a tie. 

Clip it on....and keep it on.”

"Trust me, Big C...this bonnet is adorable. 

Wear it, PLEEEASSE." 

Getting those white tights on sweet Wishy’s little baby legs

was an Olympic event

and PaulA and I made a good team. 

I would start the tights on her legs and get them up to her knees

and then PaulA would stand her up and shake her down into them...

like a pillow into a pillow case. 

Another win for the team.

Getting out the door and into the car...

before one of them dropped a shoe, lost a bonnet, or pulled-off a clip-on tie

was a challenge. 

This Easter I’ll be remembering those Easter mornings of long ago...

when the kids busted down the front door after church...

and

the house was filled with joy.

PaulA and I filled with the joy that comes from Family and Faith...

and

the Kiddos filled with the joy that comes from the anticipation of attacking their Easter baskets.

Those were the days, my friends...

Easter mornings of yesteryear, when

jelly beans, green basket grass, and their "Easter Finest" were

blissfully strewn across the floor.

Those were the days, my friends.

 We’d thought they’d never end.

'Suitable' Scientific Findings

I’m not usually in the business of scientific studies...

especially when I’m on vacation,

BUT

Being the cloistered/closeted scientist that I am...

I submit to you,
my expert scientific findings......

Title:  Swim Trunk Analysis

Hypothesis:  There is an inverted correlation between the size of a man’s swim trunks...
and the distance travelled to vacation in Orlando, FL. 

Materials/Methods:  Wet ‘n Wild wave pool, Orlando, FL ,
75 degrees and sunny,
5 men from various countries (indicated by accents and/or language spoken)

Results/Observations: 

                                       Table A

Language spoken                                     swim trunks observed

British English                                           trunks

German                                                     briefs

Spanish                                                     Speedo

French                                                       banana hammock

Southerner (Hey   ya’all)                             long board shorts

4 out of 5 men not originating from areas close to Orlando, FL (Tampa, Tallahassee, or Tallahatchie)...
showed small swim suits...
(tiny trunks, barely briefs, skimpy Speedos, or the proverbial banana hammock.) 
The Southern man (Hey ya’all),,,showed long board shorts.

Conclusion:  The smaller swim trunks are in size and material...the more distance the man has traveled to vacation in Orlando.  
American men prefer loose swim trunks over the tight and conspicously revealing ity bity banana hammock.
 

Proposed Reasoning for long and loose fitting swim trunks: 
Most Americans have seen the “Seinfeld” episode where George Costanza's "shrinkage"
is strikingly evident after getting out of cold water.

Margin of Error in scientific findings:  +/- 99%.

'Standard Deviation Deviant' = katOUT

Thumbs UP

Ya know what I like about Facebook?

 
I  like the "Like" button.

 I  give it a Thumbs Up.

There is nothing like positive reinforcement.

 

Everyone at some point, or another, can appreciate a pat on the back...

as long as you don't knock them
into next Tuesday.

Recently I  wrote a comment on a 'Kathie Lee and Hoda' FB page...

and received a few  "thumbs up"...from total strangers. 

It turned me into a "Like" junkie.

  Before I knew it...  I was crafting crafty comments just for "Likes." 

Apparently I'm not the only one liking "Likes." 

Businesses frequently will ask you to "Like" them on Facebook

 and will  promise you free stuff. 
(Note to self:  Offer your readers 10 bucks for every Thumbs Up.) 

Anywhoooo.......

I have been passing on positive reinforcement...

whenever I fly.

 

If the pilot has safely landed the plane...

I will give him/her  a "thumbs up" as I deplane

da plane.

I  set the bar high as to what I consider a safe landing....

no

nose diving,
wings breaking,

or wheels falling off. 

And definitely no combustible landings. 

That is out of the question.

So far I've given out numerous

"thumbs up" 

as I walk by the cockpit.

EXCEPT on our flight back from Hawaii....

(a 12 hour flight from Honolulu to Newark)

when the pilot dropped our plane on the runway. 

And by drop I mean...

if we were a crate of eggs...

we all would have been scrambled. 

Let's just say...

I wasn't too pleased with the landing.

BUT, I did give out partial credit....

as I walked by the cockpit.

After all,

they did fly us over the Pacific Ocean

and across the U.S.A
without dropping us eggheads
into the Grand Canyon.

Happy April 1st

April  

the month for

Fools,

Feasting at Easter,

Following the Masters,

Filing your Taxes.

By my bookkeeping calculations...

a quarter of the year is already in the 2012 books.

I might sound like I’m an accountant, but the only thing I’m keeping track of is....

the depreciating asset of time. 

Here’s hoping you said

rabbit,

rabbit,

rabbit

this morning. first thing.

to secure your month of good luck.

And just because it’s April 1^st   

don’t get fooled into thinking that this ol kat’s tale is not credible.