Royal Flush

Homeowner Heaven

Home Depot….

or Lowe’s...

...(you say Burger King…

I say McDonalds.

same dif

 Poor Wendy…left out, again.)

The other day PaulA and I visited the Home Depot...

to shop for some what-cha-ma-call-its. 

As we walked around,
I was very impressed with all the different homeowner projects "one" could accomplish.

That is, if "one" had the “know how”…and didn’t have two thumbs.

(All on one hand...you know what I mean.) 

I’m not particularly handy with tools,

but PaulA is very handy with his.

While PaulA searched for the thing-a-ma-bob in the Thing-a-ma-bob Aisle…

I wandered off to the Plumbing-a-jig Aisle.

Have you checked out the thrones lately?

("Throne" sounds more pleasant than "toilet.")

 I was surprised how relatively inexpensive they were...

especially considering the price per flush ratio.)

As I perused all the different sizes and shapes,

I pictured myself reigning from a new throne.

hmmmm...

If I did purchase a new throne…which one would I choose to sit upon?

And then I saw it…

the best throne in all the LAND.

It had me at ‘FLUSH’…

an “American Standard”…

not to be confused with the European Unstandard types.

This throne stood out above all others because of its rating…

"Best Flush.”

The advertising on the sign said it all:

Woah...very impressive. 

The thing flushes a bucket of golf balls in a single flush.

What other throne can claim that?

I'm thinking you have to be having a reeeallly crappy golf day,
to flush a bucket of your balls into the sewer.

I can understand getting mad and throwing your clubs around…

but flushing your balls?

I wonder if the manufacturer tested the product

to support its claim. 

 I can see it flushing mini-chocolate golf balls from the candy store…

but Pro-V1 golf balls?

Anywhooo.............

I found PaulA back in the Thing-a-ma-jig aisle
looking at some much needed what-ch-ma-call-its...
and told him that he had to check out

the amazing golf ball swallowing throne in the Plumbing-a-jig Aisle.

Of course, he accused me of kidding around.

Me, kidding??

Now I can’t stop thinking about upgrading my throne...

to The Royal Flush…

(just perfect for Queen Kat.) 

And PaulA might also appreciate it

the next time he plays golf...

and finds himself mad at his golf balls.

Men.Women.Golf

The saying

"Men are from Mars,

Women are from Venus"

also rings true
in the golf arena...

or should I say course.

When it comes to chasing the little white ball around...

the sexes are not only from different planets,

 but different golf galaxies.

To contrast and compare...

this is how their balls roll.....

(you know what i mean.)

During a round of golf.....

After a woman hits...

a quick and automatic compliment follows.
No matter how god awful her shot was...

women will find the silver lining in the dark cumulonimbus cloud.

They never want it to rain on her parade.

After her ball is found under a tree...it's deemed a great shot...

after all,

she'll get some needed shade under that tree.

After men hit...

and the shot is god awful...chances are...

ribbing will follow. 

Or ribbit" sounds...

if the ball is in the water. 

Men love to take the opportunity to rain on...or reign over your parade.

Venetian women

never want to be thought of as holding anyone up during a round.
Their natural born killer accomodatiing tendency is to hurry their play

 or allow play...to "play through." 

Martian men...

never think they could be holding anyone up. 

Even the "slowest of slow" can't fathom the idea.

There is no way anyBODY is playing through...

especially if you are a BODY of women.

On both Mars and Venus...
conversation is taking place....but totally different subjects.

Women delve into a wide array of subjects,

from the "simple" to the "signficant"...

'recipes' to 'relationships.'

Men like to keep it superficial...

discussing what beers and cigars
they'll load up on at the turn.

Martian men will never play a round without a bet. ever.

It ain't a game unless something is on the line.

You can bet your bottom dollar...(bring plenty of them)....

there are nassaus, presses, and some junk

in that trunk.

Women don't bet on their game. 

You can bet your sweet life (or boots)..

their ain't nothing walking the line.

Martian men are extremely generous ...

when it comes to giving putts.

A 2-foot putt is "good" and  is given.

Women on the other glove hand are quite stingy...

a 2-inch putt is not "good" and not given.

(that's a given.)

Anywhoooo...

At the end of the day/

end of the round...

Men's and Women's golf galaxies

collide.

The planets...Mars and Venus..

 morph and modulate into...one......

Planet Marenus.

On Planet Marenus....

both men and women enjoy

the 19th Hole

and
are always

up for another round.

bring it

On Target

There has been a sharp rise

in the number of teenagers and adults

interested in learning archery. 

And it all points to one target...

Ready

Aim

Fire

"The Hunger Games"

(That's a Bull's Eye, baby.)

Katniss Everdeen,

the main character in "The Hunger Games" book/movie, 

possess expert archery skills and an aim that is dead-on. 

Which comes in handy ...seeing in order to survive...

she has to fight other kids until dead-on

the ground....

until she's the last one standing. 

I've always been on point with archery.

My love for it goes back to my high school days when I took archery for gym class. 

 It was a welcome relief from the 4 weeks we were forced to

'do-si-do' with a sweaty partner.

Throughout 'The Hunger Games',

 Katniss demonstrates the skills of a true marksman.
Katniss Everdeen could be considered another William Tell. 

And interestingly (to me)...

they both have an apple affinity.

You remember Will Tell?
(Do tell, Kat.)
Old Story has it...William Tell shot an apple off the top of his son's head...

and
new story has it...Katniss shot an apple from a roasted pig's mouth.

As good as I like to think I am...

I don't think I could hit the broad side of an apple...

not even the desktop Mac.

But... I do posses the same intense degree of survival skills.
(That Katniss...gots nothin' on this Kat...
except maybe the "niss" part.)

My REAL skills, however, are most visible when I'm at the mall.

I'm an expert at endurance shopping .

(My biggest competitor might be bigC.)  

I've been known to be the last one standing at the end of an 8 hour shopping trip. 

Katniss can do damage with a bow and sharp arrow,

but this Kat is just as deadly with a smooth credit card.

Anywhooooo.....

This past Thanksgiving,

before I had my ravenous appetite for "The Hunger Game" books

or knew anything about them,

I purchased an archery set at Dick's Sporting Goods. 

The set was all-inclusive...complete with crossbow, darts, and inflatable deer target. 

 I thought it would be a great all-inclusive activity

to keep the natives from getting restless

while the Turkey cooked.

When our dear deer was fully-blown...

her resemblance to defenseless Bambi was uncanny. 

But we set her up in the backyard anyway...

regardless of how many times she batted those eye lashes at us.   

We then competed against each other...

for the coveted title: 

Top Deer Slayer.

When it was my turn...

I tried to channel my high school archery years. 

I carefully lined up Bambi,
(who had previously enjoyed a deflated life in a box)

through the crossbow scope...
and squeezed the trigger.

Luckily for Blow-up Bambi...each dart whizzed over her head.

But that was no surprise to me..

I was always taught to

"aim high." 

Uncle Joe proved to have skills...
and won the title
" Top Deer Slayer"

And  the prize?
alcohol...

nothing beats a "booze and weapon" combo.

I'm not giving up...

The next Target is all mine....

Let the games begin....

Doors open at 8 a.m. Thursday

Sale

outwit outlast outshop

KATniss OUT

Kentucky Derby Fiesta (2 in 1)

The problema
or
blessing
with this past Saturday...
was that it happened to be

Cinco de Mayo

AND
Kentucky Derby Day.
Two party days in one.

The Kentucky Derby: 

Fastest Two minutes in Sports

Cinco de Mayo: 

Fastest Two margaritas down the stretch hatch.

And with most holidays in America...

the festivities revolved and rotated around two activities..
booze and alcohol.

With 2 celebrations in 1...

you might have been (shit)
faced with some confusion as to which one you should celebrate.

You probably weren't sure


which amusing hat to wear...
sombrero or derby?

which alcohol to ply yourself with...
mint julep or margarita?

Or what food to stuff yourself with...
grits or  gaucamole?



But if you were like most people....
you took advantage of the situation and gave both celebrations 

a run for the roses. 

You  "smashed" them together into one GIANT celebration.
and drank  margarjuleps  ...

in honor of the

Kentucky Derby Fiesta.

Anywhoooo........

After a grande day of derelict and debauchery...
it's  important to put away the seersucker and sombrero
and
stop screaming "I'll Have Another"...

even though it sounds like a winner.

"Odds" are you might be feeling like the

Day of the Dead...
but Amigo...

it is muy importante that you get
right back on that work horse this Monday morning.

ay caramba, ya'all

GAStronomical Combos

You may have heard about Pizza Hut's

new pizza

with the hot dog stuffed crust.

Hot diggity dog...

bring on this new culinary combo.

I can't tell ya how many times I've said,

"the only thing missing from this slice is a wiener." 

Thankfully now it's actually embedded in my pizza.

Some of you might think pizza and wieners make strange wedded fellows...

but I am all in favor of their marriage. 

(I might even give the toast.)

One big problem though...

I've learned that Pizza Hut only sells the pizza+dog in the U.K.
Damn, those Brits...they get everything...

The Beatles, Prince Harry, Posh Spice and now this.

Not to be outdone  is  B.K. 

(not Ben Kingsley...who is the King among Bens)

but Burger  King. 
with it's new bacon sundae,

The bacon sundae is another gastronomical hit with me...

on any given day of the week...not just Sundays.

It's only natural that I have an affinity for the bacon strip.

It's in my lineage...

  my mom's maiden name was Bacon. 

"Hey Bacon, how about a strip?"

Now I'm wondering if Sir Francis Bacon...

the English philosopher and essayist...

is a distance relative. 

I'm actually feeling a smoked and cured connection with him. 

I'm often spouting out profanity profound philosphical remarks

on thought-provoking subjects in my blog.
(Note to self:   Find out what I need to do to get knighted.)

Anywhoo........

With 50 percent Bacon grease running through my veins..

it's not a surprise that I would go hog wild for the new bacon sundae.

I'm actually a proponent for the  baconization of the world.

And I feel the baconization finally beginning  to take hold. 

It might be with just a few bacon bits....

like bacon soap, bacon lip balm, bacon lollipops, bacon infused-vodka....
but hopefully one day

we will be fully immersed in bacon.  

Eventually l'd like to see all homes and buildings with bacon air systems. 

Can you imagine smelling bacon 24/7?

You gotta give  kudos to the foodie experts

who come up with these creative new combinations.

Two tasty GAStronomical combo ideas. 

I would say, however, 

the idea for the pizza/hot dog combo was more ingenious

than the bacon sundae. 

The bacon sundae was a no-brainer idea.

Everyone knows BACON goes with ABSOLUTELY everything.

Do you like the FB Timeline?

How do YOU feel about the new Facebook Timeline?

I think the new Timeline format SUCKS.

(For me to use the "S" word,

a word I despise,

I have to extremely "dislike" the new format.)

I find the Timeline confusing..

and
it makes archived data too easily accessible...

to stalkers.

Consider this my formal complaint.

I thought FB was supposed to be...

a social network for keeping up with friends....

not a dusty scrapbook of the past. 
Let's not turn Facebook...into a Crapbook.

A couple of weeks ago I received "the notice" from the Facebook staff

or maybe it was Mark Zuckerberg himself
(he's always trying to friend me)...

that my current format would be switched over to the new Timeline. 

 It.was. Mandatory. 

Mandatory? 

Where's the democracy in that? 

What about putting it out for a  vote...

like on American Idol...

after which Ryan Seacrest tells us: 

"America has spoken?"

Facebook gives you only 7 days to set up your new Timeline...

and hide the stuff you don't want found.

Every break-up, make-up, shake-up....is up. ..forever.

 Wake-up FB. 

Unless you are a computer whizz geek...
or God...
it's hard to do in 7 days.

Alright, already...I realize we don't own Facebook...

it's a Zuckerberg creation...

and maybe also the finkerbeans Winklevossssss
(who say they had at least a finger, if not a hand, in the initial concept) 

but I actually have not heard of one person who has said,

"Hot damn, the Timeline is where it's at."

(umm...okay, maybe people don't talk like that.)

Seeing Zuckerberg "Likes" change .....

How about he change the way he wears his hair? 

We will give him until May 15th and then after that

we will show up at his house

with a comb, blowdryer, and gel.

anywhooo....

Maybe we could use the Facebook forum

to let the faces behind FB know how we feel about their Timeline? 

We could band together and start a
riot/revolt/ruckus....

like
the overthrow of the Arab leaders last spring.
(Excuse me for this epiphany...but

if you combine country singer Darius Rucker 's first and last names ...

you would have a Ruckus.)

OR

 instead of initiating a Ruckus...

(sorry Darius)

the 800 million or so users on Faceboook

could just keep on............

friending.

I think I'm hearing..

"America (and the rest of the world) has spoken."

Apparently, I should be resting my complaint.

Happy May Day

May

 is the month to celebrate all things

“M.”

Maypoles

(May Day...May 1)

Margaritas

(Cinco de Mayo...May 5)

Mares

 (Kentucky Derby...May5)

Mommas 

(Mother’s Day...May 13)

Military 

(Memorial Day...May 28)

Anywhooo...........

If

you’ve remembered to say

rabbit,

rabbit,

rabbit....

your luck maybe.....

Mondo.

PS.  Happy May Day  Birthday to

Michele Ma belle..

(aka Sistersledge)